


Most Beloved

by idaemilia



Category: IT (2017), IT - Stephen King
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Angst, College AU, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, High School AU, Hurt, Jealousy, M/M, Modern, Mutual Pining, Pining, Prom, Reddie, Slow Burn, no pennywise, philtatos, richie's hair pulling kink
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-22
Updated: 2017-10-22
Packaged: 2019-01-04 03:43:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 41,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12160854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idaemilia/pseuds/idaemilia
Summary: "But he had eyes like rainand hair like wavesand a soul as vast and deep as the oceanand I guess I didn't mind drowning in him"-xvaniex on tumblrEddie keeps pining for Richie who is too blind to see it. But maybe he already knows.*previously named Philtatos*





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note that I'm not american, and therefore all my knowledge of american school is from movies & tv shows. Characters not mine. Enjoy!

"I could recognize him by touch alone, by smell.

I would know him blind, 

by the way his breaths came

and his feet struck the earth.

I would know him in death, 

at the end of the world"

-Madeline Miller, the Song of Achilles 

 

 

_Philtatos_

φιλτατος

_"Most beloved"_

 

"Heya Eds!" Eddie jolted to the present moment from his thoughts to see a very happy Richie Tozier ('that motherfucker', Eddie thought to himself) basically skipping towards the lunch table where Eddie was sitting. He had been staring into nothing, absently pushing his mashed potatoes around his plate while waiting for his friends to arrive. Eddie had had to leave his history honors class early because of his asthma attack. 

"Hi", Eddie replied, already drifting back to his own mind. Of course Richie wouldn't let him be, like he never did. "Whatcha thinkin' 'bout?"

"Your mom, we fucked just five minutes ago. Had to leave class early, but man was it worth it", Eddie snapped back, not even looking in Richies general direction.

"Damn Eds, take a chill pill", Richie said, raising his hands in surrender, somehow picking up the vibe that Eddie wanted to be left alone. However after absolutely way too soon the rest of the Losers' Club joined the two boys and Eddies peace was over. He raised his head and smiled at the other boys and Bev who joined them. They were all chatting about the upcoming prom and who was taking who. Ben was taking Bev and Mike was going to take his newest girlfriend, but the rest of them had some trouble figuring out who they wanted to take. Bev was the only one out of the group to know about Eddie & his sexuality (and his crush on Richie) so she knew not to press the matter, but the rest weren't so gentle.

"Sooo... who's the lucky girl who gets to take Eds to the prom? You might want to take someone fat so they can't dance and you won't have and asthma attack", Richie teased and poked Eddie's side, while Bill and Stan laughed.

"Don't fucking call me that you absolute jerk", was all Eddie said while shoving Richie a little too hard so he almost fell down from his chair.

"If-f yo-you d-don't have a-anyone spe-special, y-you c-can alw-always co-come wi-with us, Ed-eddie", Bill said. He didn't really have anyone to ask (even though more than one girl in their school would happily be his date, since most thought that Bill was very cute nevermind his stutter) so he was going with Stan as friends. Eddie shrugged and looked over to Richie.

"Who you're going with if you're not part of Bills & Stans bropack?", Eddie asked and tried to mind his tone so he wouldn't sound too obvious. Bev shot him a worried glance, but Eddie ignored her. 

"Well listen up Eddie Spaghetti, 'cause I'm 'bout to blow your mind", Richie announced and stood up, lifting his other leg on the chair. He always had to make a scene out of everything, but then again Eddie kind of loved Richies outgoing nature, because he himself was always too shy. 

"Well do tell", Eddie said sarcastically, though he was eager to hear. Richie was on the football team with Mike so it wouldn't be too hard for him to find a date. Eddie was actually kind of curious who he got to be jealous of this time. 

"My beautiful girlfriend, Angie" Eddie dropped his fork and felt like someone had punched his throat.  _Girlfriend._ Richie had never ever had a girlfriend of any kind even though he was always making out with everything that moved. Eddie couldn't speak and he saw Bevs worried look out the corner of his eye. The news came so suddenly that Eddie had to reach to his packbag and take puff of his inhaler. Eddie felt as though days had passed since Richie broke the news, even though it had been seconds. 

"That's great", he finally pushed the words out of his mouth, though he felt as though his ears were bleeding. He stood up and left the cafeteria, maybe too abruptly, because the rest of the losers shot him some weird looks. He heard Bev saying that maybe he had had some breathing issues and soon enough Eddie heard her light steps behind him. 

"You okay? I heard the news this morning from Angie and I tried to reach you all morning, but I couldn't find you!", Bev placed her hand on Eddies shoulder but he shrugged it off. He was already so jealous he was ready to bash Angies head in with a baseball bat. He kept walking away, but due to his short legs Bev was easily able to catch up. 

"Hey-", Bev started but Eddie cut her off. 

"I'm fine!", he yelled and some people shot them some weird looks for being so loud. Eddie felt tears rising to his waterline, and cursed himself for being such an easy crier. He fought off the urge to wipe his eyes, not wanting Bev to know just how much it hurt to watch Richie get on with girls. All Eddie could remember from freshman, sophomore and junior years was watching Richie from the shadows, kissing girls and going home with whoever. Despite his friends, Eddie had never felt so lonely as he did whenever Richie told of his newest 'conquest'. Bev had guessed something was going on and had confronted Eddie at the beginning of their sophomore year. Eddie told her, because frankly he was dying to tell someone. Bev promised not to speak of it ever again, and they rarely did. But sometimes she confessed that she was worried for him. 

"You don't look fine", Bev said quietly, almost whispering. Eddie sighed and ran his fingers through his messy, way too long, hair. "I know it can be hard to-", she began, but again Eddie cut her off. "What do you know?! You've had your dream boyfriend since day one!" Eddie started walking away and this time Beverly didn't follow. 

 Eddie knew he had been too harsh with Bev. She only tried to help him, but Eddie didn't feel like talking. He had started to drift away from his friends, only ever seeing them in school. He and Stan were in all honors classes and Ben was with them in history honors, but the rest of the losers he only saw in random classes and during lunch. It was if though his undying love for Richie had driven a wedge between them and made Eddie more bitter with every beginning of every school year. Eddie felt like a fool for falling for Richie. And he was. Richie clearly liked girls and Eddie never stood a chance with him. For his own good, Eddie decided it was best if he didn't remain friends with Richie or any of the losers.

'Only fools fall in love', Eddie thought to himself as he walked towards his algebra class. Eddie felt as though he was living between hell and heaven. Loving Richie was bliss, he had never felt this way about anybody and he doubt he ever would. He was always happy to see Richie, always laughing at his worst jokes (and getting some raised eyebrows from the other losers) and listening to his stories with smiles so big they lasted for days. Richies smile made him smile, his laugh made him laugh. But watching him love others was worse than burning in hell. Eddie woke up crying during the nights after realising his dreams weren't true. Seeing Richie hold hands with someone else, hold someone else in his arms or kiss someone else was like daggers in Eddies heart. And this was one dagger too much. He couldn't do this anymore. 

****

The following morning Eddie found it to be difficult to stay away from Richie. It was as though a force was pushing him towards Richie and so Eddie found himself listening to Richie talking about Angie. Eddie had lost all of his appetite for the third time that week and it was only Thursday. His mom had started to notice his lost weight and called the school (to Eddies embarrassment) to remind them that Eddies health (bullshit) didn't allow him to do sports. Unfortunately it wasn't the sports that caused Eddies weight loss. It was him wanting to gag everytime someone so much as mentioned Angie or worse yet, when she occasionally hanged out with the losers during breaks. Bev had taken it upon herself to poke Eddie on his side everytime his disgust became too obvious.

Thankfully Mike joined them and changed the subject to the upcoming game on Friday. He and Richie were constantly in practice which Eddie was both sad and thankful for. Eddie also had a prime sopt for watching Richie play because he was on the band and due to his height he was on the first row, too. The actual sole reason for joining the goddamn band was to see Richie when they were all practicing for games without looking like an absolute doof. 

"Earth to Eddie..? Are you alive, bro?" Eddie was brought back from his thoughts by Mike, waving his hand in front of Eddies face. 

"Huh? Oh yeah, yeah totally... Wh-what were you talking about?", he said while running his fingers through his hair (and old habit). Richie was laughing at Eddie and jokingly put his arm around him.

"Dude who were you thinkin' 'bout?", he said and ruffled Eddies hair, making him squeal and wiggle to free himself from his grip. "Richie knock it off you moron!", Eddie yelled, laughing, and was finally able to get away from Richies grip. Richie always loved to tickle Eddie & ruffle his hair, because (according to him) Eddie made 'adorable' noises. Eddie pretended to hate it, but secretly he loved every bit of attention he got from Richie. 

"I was thinking about your mom. Seeing her again this evening, can't wait", Eddie said, still laughing, and jokingly punched Richies arm. "Well you'll have the house for yourselves, since I'll be going to Angies", Richie said, probably wanting to see a normal reaction, but Eddies heart skipped a beat and he reached for his bag, trying to find his inhaler before his anxiety would give him an asthma attack. Eddie was looking furiously, and then he remembered leaving his inhaler on his nightstand. Eddie had had to leave in a hurry because his alarm didn't go off and apparently now he would die for it. 

"Dude I have a spare one in my bag" Eddie looked up to Richie going through his own bag and giving Eddie a spare inhaler. Eddie could feel his face going red like a fire alarm as he shyly took Richies inhaler and took a puff. He couldn't believe Richie actually had a spare inhaler for him. The gesture was so sweet Eddie found himself thinking about it for the rest of the day, not remembering what Richie had said about Angie. 

****

"Kaspbrak! Focus!" Eddie was still so deep in his daydreams that he had forgot to actually start playing when his turn came. When joining the band, Eddie had picked the easiest instrument to play, aka the drum. But still he was often out of sync (mostly because of a certain devil running in tights on the field) and he got punished for it. A lot. They started the song again and this time Eddie really tried (and failed gloriously) to keep his attention on the song. 

"Heya Eds" Richie was running towards Eddie while others were running around the field & stretching.

"Don't fucking call me that you little shit", Eddie shot back without even looking. He was sitting on the bench since the band was taking a break. The director had to scream at some other poor kid who didn't play his trumpet correctly. Eddie was sitting in full band attire and he felt ridiculous next to Richie, with his hair all windblown, wearing tights instead of a bedazzled jacket. 

"But you're my Eds, so I get to call you whatever I want sorry I don't make the rules", Richie said and poked Eddies arm with his elbow. Eddie huffed and they sat there quietly for a while. Eddie was holding his hands on his lap, trying not to blush and Richie was looking at him quizzically. 

"You've been quiet for these past few days. Something up?", Richie tried his best to sound serious, since he made jokes so often nobody took him seriously when he wanted them to. Richie had noticed Eddies odd behavior and was worried for his best friend. At least he still hoped they were best friends. They had been since they were like 10, and Eddie was an integral piece in Richies life, always comforting him when his parents were assholes and letting him sleep over when his drunken mom kicked him out. They used to talk about everything, but lately Richie was afraid that Eddie was drifting away from him. He didn't want to lose him and was ready to do anything to keep his Eddie Spaghetti alive and well.

"I'm just stressed because of the big game coming up", Eddie lied, obviously not wanting to talk about the real reason behind his strange behavior.

"Oh come on! You play the drum three times during that whole game!", Richie said and smacked Eddies arm. 

"Ow that hurt you ass!", Eddie wailed and smacked Richie back. Soon they were in an all over smack-fight until Richie used his winning move and locked Eddie in his arm and ruffled his hair. Eddie tried to get away, but to no avail. Finally after some struggling Eddie was able to get himself free. Richie was smirking at him as per usual and Eddie couldn't help but to smile back at him. 

"For real Eds, you would tell me if somethings bothering you?", Richie said and looked at Eddie so with such an intense look that Eddie had no choice but to look away before he'd blush. 'Damn you Tozier and your amazing eyes', Eddie thought to himself. Obviously he couldn't tell the real reason he has been acting so weird, so Eddie had to rely on his old tactic of avoiding everything.

"I'm fine, just some trouble with mom", he lied again and this time with a more serious tone so Richie would buy it and let him suffer alone. Richie studied his face for a while and shrugged.

"I probably have to get back to practice, but only if you're sure you're really okay?", Eddie was always surprised when Richie, with all of his jokes and sarcasm, actually showed some real emotion, even more so when it was actual concern for other human beings. It was astounding, but when Richie was so concerned of him, Eddie couldn't help but feel special. 

"I'm fine, now get going before they kick you out!", Eddie said and gently pushed Richie so he would leave. Richie smiled at him, and left running towards his screaming coach and uneasy team. Eddie leaned forward, resting his head on his hands and looked at Richie run around the field. 'Avoiding him is going to be so hard', Eddie thought before getting up and returning to his place among the other players. 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's another chapter, hope you like it!

His tea has gotten cold. Eddie stirs his spoon once more and pours the drink into the sink. He was staring outside, watching as leaves were falling from trees, slowly and gracefully. He leaned forward, resting his weight on the kitchen counter. He sighs, looks around the spotless kitchen and leaves. Eddie is so in his own world he forgets his gloves on the bench next to the door. He steps out, ties his scarf around his neck and puts his hands in his pockets. 

The summer is over and it's getting colder. Fall is Eddies favorite season; he loves the cold breeze, falling leaves and quiet nights. Though he hates the flu season, he doesn't hate fall. Eddie walks slowly, he has more than enough time to get to school and even still he'll probably be early. Eddie is one of those people that are never late to anything. Richie is the very opposite of him. Richie isn't on time even when it would save his life. Richie also hates fall. He hates the cold, he hates school and he hates the smell of rotting leaves on the ground. Richie is very much a summer person and Eddie knows this. He knows that Richie loves swimming, he loves ice cream and he loves the summer carnivals. Eddie laughs lightly at all the memories of him and Richie playing the games at the carnivals, Richie beating him almost every time. Then Richie would buy loads of candy so Eddie would stop sulking. The memory made Eddie smile all the way to school. 

The parking lot was full of cars and Eddie spotted Richies immediately. He had bought it with his own money and he was very proud of it, though it was the ugliest car Eddie had ever laid eyes on. Richie always used to drive Eddie around in it, because Eddies mom didn't let him get a license ("driving is too dangerous, young man. I will not let my son die in a car accident"). Those times were more or less over now, with Eddie trying to phase himself out of the losers' club.

Eddie walks the empty halls (he was late afterall) and tries to find his way to algebra class. He felt a slight pinch at the bottom of his stomach;  _Richie is in that class._ Eddie wanted to skip every single class he and Richie shared, but he didn't want the teachers to call his mom, who wouldn't hesitate to strangle Eddie and would also probably sign him up for therapy just in case. Her smothering was suffocating Eddie and he couldn't wait for high school to be over so he could leave for college and never see his mom again. 

Eddie knocked on the classroom door and waited politely for his teacher to open. "I'm sorry I'm late, it won't happen again", Eddie said while walking towards his seat. He saw that Richie was smirking and tried to make eye contact, but Eddie avoided his (gorgeous) eyes to his best ability. Thankfully they weren't sitting close to one another so Eddie could peacefully focus on his work. And he really did try to focus, but he couldn't help himself as he turned to look at him. Richie was writing something down, but Eddie knew he wasn't doing the assignment. He was most likely drawing dicks in his notebook, and Eddie couldn't help but smile. He loved they way Richies hair never laid flat. It was unruly and almost rebellious and always found a way to stick to a million directions and fall on Richies face.

As Eddie looked at Richie, he couldn't help but feel sad. He could only admire his beauty in secret, from a distance. He couldn't whisper in his ear during breaks and tell him about his wild hair, he couldn't sit on his lap during lunch and count the freckles on his cheeks. He couldn't makeout with him on the backseat of his car after school but the worst of all was, that he couldn't tell him any of this. He couldn't say how he hated that he had to suffer in silence, how he had suffered for years. He couldn't say how much he wished Angie would get hit by a truck and die, and he couldn't say how much he wished Richie had picked him instead of her to begin with. 

Eddie had to turn his head back to his work so fast he felt like his neck would snap.  _Oh shit,_ he thought as Richie turned to look at him. Eddie could feel a blush creeping to his cheeks, making him red as a fire hydrant. He stared at his book so intensely it might catch fire any second. He probably looked suspicious as hell, not blinking and face all pink, but he couldn't help it. As soon as he saw Richie turn back out of the corner of his eye, he let out the breath he didn't know he was holding. He didn't dare to look back at him, not wanting to get caught, so he just tried to do the exercises and not think of Richie. An impossible task, really.

****

He was sitting in the bathroom. It had become a habit for him, to avoid his friends in the bathroom. He couldn't go to cafeteria, because his friends would just sit with him and he would (yet again) be stuck listening Richie talk about how wonderful Angie was. And he couldn't stand it. So he sat in the bathroom and after a safe amount of time had passed he would go to the cafeteria and sit somewhere alone. 

"Eddie I know you're here", he heard Bev talk and knock on his stall door. Eddie tried to lift his legs up (too little too late) and Bev just huffed, "Eddie for christs sake will you come out". Eddie didn't dare to, he was hoping if he kept really quiet then Bev would just leave. Of course it was false hope. He heard some weird noises behind his door, maybe Bev was trying to scratch her way through? That girl sometimes had the sharpest nails. But soon he saw the lock on the door change to green ( _oh crap)_ and Bev opened the door, holding a screwdriver. Eddie couldn't help but shriek when the door opened and he saw Bevs pissed face. 

"For christs sake Bev, this is the boys bathroom!", Eddie yelled and rose up, walking past Bev. Someone else came in and took one look at Bevs face and decided it was best to just leave. 

"Can you just quit acting like a five-year-old who didn't get his dessert? We miss you, Richie most of all. It's been a week and you know the game is tomorrow. This is messing with Richies head and you know it", Bev tried her best to reason with him, "you can't just leave him and not tell why. He can't talk of anything else and he scouts the halls for you like a hawk, it's freaking out freshmen so bad they needed counseling. You're still his best friend and he needs you, Eddie"

Eddie sighed and turned to face Beverly with hurt in his eyes. "I don't know if I can do that, Bev", he said quietly. Of course he felt terrible for hurting Richie in any way, but he really was thinking what was best for everyone. "It's for the best if I just try to stay away"

"Oh boo hoo, don't be such a drama queen Eddie! You know that's not true, you're just being selfish and we both know you're doing this to save your own ass", Bev was getting impatient and Eddie didn't really have it in him to fight against an actual human version of a hurricane, so he just gave up. They walked to the cafeteria in silence, Eddie still sulking at his defeat. 

But he couldn't stay mad for long. As soon as he saw Richies face light up when he saw him, Eddie couldn't help but smile. That motherfucker was putting him through hell and yet here he was, smiling like a dork at his dumb face. 

"W-what d-d-did you d-do B-bev?", Bill asked as soon as they were within hearing distance. Bev just smiled and shrugged, poking Eddie gently on the side. "Girl magic, that's all"

"Well I don't care what you two did, but I sure as hell am happy to see Spaghetti back in business. Where have you been hiding, asshole?", Richie said and jumped up, locking Eddie in place with his left hand has he was ruffling his hair with his knuckles. Eddie tried to get away, but he didn't really put in much effort. He had to admit, he had missed the idiot. After Richie let Eddie go and sat down, the table resumed to their chatting and laughing. Eddie suddenly felt out of place, but he decided to sit down anyway. Not like he could leave now. He sat down opposite to Richie and next to Bev and he could feel her grabbing his hand and squeezing it lightly.  _It's gonna be okay._

Eddie noticed, to his surprise, how easy it was to talk to his friends even though he had been avoiding them all for almost a week. But here he was, laughing like nothing had happened at all. Everything was as it had been and Eddie felt as though everything was going to be fine. He could do this.

Of course the feeling didn't last long. 

"Hey babe!", Eddie heard someone yell and turned around to see Angie walking towards their table with all of her girlfriends following suit, all of them wearing their cheeruniforms. Richie smiled and stood up, taking his tray with him as he followed Angie to another table, full of football and basketball players and cheerleaders. Eddie turned to look at the other losers, confused out of his mind. 

"Angie doesn't really like us", Ben explained and Eddie noticed how hollow everyones' faces looked. It was as though their group really was falling apart. A lot had changed in the week Eddie had spent hiding in the bathroom stall.

The losers were quiet for a while and Eddie kept looking at Richie. How he was barely smiling, just pushing his food around on his plate.  _What are you doing with a girl like that?_  Eddie thought and this time when Richie met his eyes, he didn't turn away.  _It's going to be okay._ They looked at each other for a while, but then Eddie turned away, taking part in the conversation that was going on at his own table. What Eddie didn't know, was that Richie kept looking at him long after his eyes had turned away. He was in denial, how it felt odd to look at Eddie. He couldn't pinpoint the feeling that was rising inside of him, either. It just felt... odd. It felt like he just wanted to stand up and go sit next to Eddie. He wanted to take his hand and hold it, run his thumb across his palm and trace the crooked lines running across it. It felt like he didn't want to talk to anyone else ever again, all he wanted to do was listen to Eddies voice and hear him rant about the importance of hand sanitizer. When Richie looked at Eddie, he looked the same, but somehow he was different. Slowly Richie turned his eyes away from Eddie and looked at the person sitting in front of him. It didn't feel the same.

****

The next day was a big day for the whole school. Every place was filled with pictures of their mascot and every wall was full of banners. It was Friday and the first game of the season was here. The halls were full of people, even though school had ended an hour ago. Eddie was already anxious and he took two puffs from his inhaler to calm down. He tried to navigate the mass to find his way out into the locker rooms so he could change into his band uniform, but he was way too small to see anything and so he was just pushed around. 

A while later Eddie was sitting on the bench with his bedazzled jacket and pants, looking like an absolute idiot. He was trying to find Richie among the football players that were stretching on the field, but he couldn't catch sight of that unruly hair anywhere. Richies game number was 12 if Eddie remembered correctly (and he did, like he could forget a single detail about Richie) but he still couldn't see him. Eddie did spot Mike and he waved at him, wishing good luck. Mike was their best player and the whole losers club was very proud of him. Eddie spotted Bev and Ben walking towards some empty seats, Bill and Stan not far behind them. They must've just wished Mike good luck was well. Soon Eddie had to return to his seat, because the band was about to start playing, and he tried for one last time to find Richie on the field. 

The opposing team was also already on the field and so were the cheerleaders. Eddie could spot Angies blond hair immediately, but still there was no sight of Richie. Eddie was getting worried that something had happened, but just then he saw Richies dark curls bouncing to the field. Eddie felt a smile creeping to his lips and all the way to his eyes as Richie jogged past the band and waved at him. Eddie felt like he could faint and to be safe he took a puff of his inhaler and sat down on the bench. That devil looked so damn good in those tights and shoulder pads that Eddie might've started drooling then and there. He was all heart eyes and didn't realise the rest of the band had stood up & started playing until the girl next to him poked at him. He quickly stood up and took his drum. 

The game was very exciting and Eddie only forgot to bang the drum twice during the whole time. But for his defense, he was admiring Richie, who was a hero after he scored the winning touchdown. Eddie was so proud of him, he couldn't wait to go up to him and hug the fuck out of that motherfucker. His heart eyes had at least doubled in size. 

Eddie was hurrying down the stairs onto the field and he was running towards Richie, his whole face beaming. He could faintly see the rest of the losers walking behind him before he turned his whole attention towards Richie. The other boy saw Eddie running to him and he smiled and opened his arms for a hug. But when it was Angie who embraced Richie, Eddie stopped dead in his tracks and his smile died away instantly. Richie spun Angie around, hugging her, and was turned in just the right angle to see Eddie walk away. Richie looked at his back, getting smaller with every step he took, and he felt an unfamiliar pinch in his heart. 

Eddie was sitting on the bench in the boys locker room when he saw Bill, Stan and Ben joining him. "Hey, you wanna come to the afterparty with us? Mike already left and Richie said he wasn't coming. We thought you might wanna come", Stan said as he sat next to Eddie. Eddie had already changed his clothes, the band uniform was folded neatly next to him. "Sure", was all he could say and he felt Bill pat his back as they walked out of the room. Bev was waiting for them outside, holding car keys in her hand. "Alright let's go!", she said excitedly, but she didn't move until Eddie was next to her so she could wrap him in a hug. "I'm sorry", she whispered in his ear, so only he could hear it. Eddie just nodded and hugged her tightly before letting go and following the other boys to Beverlys car. Eddie had never in his life felt as empty as he did in that moment. 

Of course it was nothing getting drunk couldn't fix. Eddie had actually never been drunk, because he knew how unhealthy drinking that much alcohol was, but tonight he was about to get so wasted he could forget the sight of Angie hugging Richie. The party was next door of Bills house and they all were planning on crashing in his place afterwards. 

It was basically fifteen minutes after they had arrived when Eddie could already feel buzzing in his head. He had lost count of the amount of the drinks he had already drank, and he couldn't wait to get more. He could barely stand up and his head was hurting from both the alcohol and the loud music.  _This isn't going to go away soon,_ he thought as he chugged down another drink of something. He couldn't see what it said on the label and he didn't care either. He half hoped he could die of alcohol poisoning then and there. Of course his guardian angel Beverly wasn't going to let that happen. 

"Hey! I think you've had about six too many of these. Go lay down and I'll get you some water", she said as she took the drink from his hands. Eddie tried to take the drink back, but he was no match for Beverly, who was of course sober. "Fuck you", was all Eddie could say as he pushed himself past Beverly and sat down on a couch with dozens of empty cups and beer bottles. Next to him were some people making out and Eddie wanted to throw a bottle at their heads, but he didn't get to it before Bev was back with a glass of ice cold water. "Drink", she said as she carefully placed the glass in Eddies hands. Eddie drank it, but it wasn't of much use, because he threw it up immediately after. Bev was quick as a cat when she jumped back to avoid getting hit with puke. Eddies whole face was flushed red and now his breath smelled of puke as well. He could hear Stan laughing, but Bev wasn't. She put him down on the couch so he could at least try to sleep and he probably would have (nevermind the loud music) but just then he saw Richie descend the stairs to the basement with his arm around Angie. Everyone cheered for him, he won the game afterall, and many ran to greet him. 

"Oh fuck", was all Bev could say before Eddie rose up again and walked away. He was drunk as hell, but even still he couldn't say a word to Richie, so he just quietly passed him on the stairs and went upstairs to find a replacement. He knew some other queer people in their school and he was determined to find one right now. It wasn't a hard task, not even five minutes had passed and already Eddie was making out with some other boy at the bottom of the stairs leading to the second floor of the house. 

****

"Hey have you seen Eddie?", Richie tapped on Bev's shoulder, ruffling his hair nervously. He was worried for him. Eddie was reeking of alcohol poisoning when he passed him on the stairs and Richie knew Eddie didn't usually drink. Something had to be horribly wrong for Eddie to drink that much and well... Richie was worried for his best friend, his little Eddie Spaghetti. Eddie had mentioned something of his troubles with his mom the other week, maybe that was it? Nevertheless, Richie was determined to find Eddie and take care of him. 'Cause that's what best friends do.

"No I haven't seen him in a while. I tried to get him to sleep but he just muttered something and left. Haven't seen him since", Bev said and shrugged. She knew why Eddie was upset and she knew the feeling of unrequited love. Bev hated Richie a little for what he put Eddie through, but she also knew it wasn't his fault. Not really. Richie had been blind for years when it came to Eddie. That poor boy had loved him fiercely since they were fourteen, and now nearly five years later Richie still didn't see it. At least Bev hoped it was just Richie being blindsighted, not him being an asshole and seeing Eddie suffer but not turning him down. If Richie was just messing with Eddie, he had another thing coming. Bev was very protective of that little pill-popping asthmatic. 

"Damn it. I'm really worried for him, y'know?", Richie said and Bev sighed in response. Bev knew that Eddie just needed to numb the pain and he was 'adult' enough to do his own decisions. Bev wasn't his mother and if Eddie wanted to drink himself unconscious with the pain of not being able to be with Richie, then so be it. Who was she to tell him not to? Bev turned away from Richie and continued her chat with Ben and Stan. Bill was nowhere to be found and Mike was just a second ago tonguing some random girl in the corner. Richie turned to leave and he went upstairs to look for Eddie there. He wasn't in the basement or the kitchen, maybe he was on the second floor?

When Richie finally saw Eddie, his heart nearly stopped at the sight. Eddie was pushed against the wall at the bottom of the stairs and someone was sucking on his already very blue neck. Richie didn't know why he cared that much. He should be happy right? But it was surprising because it wasn't a girl sucking on Eddies neck, it was some very muscular man, maybe from the opposing football team? At least Richie didn't recognize him. The whole situation was very weird. All these years he and Eddie had been best friends and somehow Eddie had failed to mention he was gay? All those times Richie had tried to set him up with a girl and he should've set him up with a guy instead. Richie felt weird. It was a strange feeling and Richie had no words to describe it. But he sure as hell wasn't going to let this rando do things to Eddie when he was this drunk. That small boy couldn't think straight normally, let alone now. Richie knew Eddie would regret this in the morning and he didn't want Eddie to go through that. That was all, there was no hidden meaning to his actions when he rushed to pull the man away from his Eds.

"Hey! Let him be!", Richie yelled as he yanked the man away. 

"What the fuck Richie?", was all Eddie said, or at least that's all Richie heard. Richie could see Eddie had been crying, and the knowledge of it did awful things inside him. 

"Why the tears, Eds?", Richie asked silently, but Eddie didn't meet his gaze. They stood there silently for what felt like an eternity and then Eddie turned to face Richie.

"You just play with me all the time. I'm nothing but good fun, huh? You have to see it. You can't be so blind that you can't see it. You treat me like shit and still I stay with you. I laugh at your stupid jokes and let you call me by stupid nicknames. Well now I'm basically dead inside so thanks for that", Eddie shouted at his face. Richie had never seen him so angry.

"What did I do wrong?", was all he could say. He had no idea what Eddie was talking about and frankly the small boy was scaring him. Eddie had never acted like this, ever. And he didn't respond. He just huffed, smirked and pulled the stranger upstairs with him. Richie watched silently as they left and he looked until they weren't in his sight anymore. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was little bit more angsty, hope that's okay :'D It'll get better soon i promise :D   
> Remember to leave positive feedback it might just make me write faster.


	3. Chapter 3

Eddie was pushed against the wall. The stranger was planting kisses on his collarbones and up his neck. His hand was under Eddies shirt, tracing the lines on his skin. And all Eddie could think was Richie. How much he wished it was Richie with him, and not someone whose name Eddie didn't know. With all his might, Eddie tried to imagine that the lips showering him with kisses belonged to Richie,  _his Richie_ , and the hands that roamed his body belonged to someone who truly cared about him and not someone Eddie would never see again.  _Please forgive me,_ was the second last thought on Eddies mind, when the last one was  _Richie._

_****_

_Ouch_ , Eddie thought as he rose up to sit on the bed. His head was hurting like hell was having a party inside it and he felt like he could throw all of his intestines up.  _What the fuck,_ Eddie thought as he looked around the room and realized it wasn't his. The room seemed vaguely familiar, so Eddie had definitely been there before. His brain was hurting so much he couldn't think properly. He walked around and it wasn't until he saw a tiny yellow raincoat hanging on the wall next to the door that he recognized whose room it was.  _Bill,_ Eddie thought and rushed to the door, but not before glancing back to the bed to make sure there wasn't anyone else there. Eddie had a vague feeling of being with someone last night, and he was glad that he apparently imagined it all. Eddie didn't get to opening the door when Bill and Bev already walked through it. 

"Oh hey sleeping beauty! How was the 100 year nap?", Bev joked and made room for Eddie to walk past her and Bill. "Which year, what currency?", was all Eddie could ask (with a light chuckle) as he walked down the stairs towards the kitchen. Not like he was going to eat anything ever again, but he was really looking forward to getting some water. Eddie rubbed his eyes when the bright sunlight hit him in the eyes and he yawned, still a little tired. 

"It's early noon, you slept for like 13 hours straight when we dragged you out of that party and put you down", Bev said as she entered the kitchen after Eddie. Stan and Ben were nowhere to be seen, maybe they had already left. Mike was probably with some girl and Richie was presumably with Angie. 

"What happened?", Eddie asked, sitting down at the table and chugging down the glass of water Bill gave him. "Did you really drag me here?"

"Yes we d-did. And y-you were r-re-really h-heavy t-too", Bill said and sat opposite him. Bill turned to look at Bev to fill in the rest of the details. "You were pretty hammered and had passed out in the upstairs bedroom. Though I have no idea what happened there, but you were alone when we found you. Richie gave me the hint, told me to go rescue you before something would happen. Though by the look of your neck and chest, something did happen", Bev said and handed Eddie her compact mirror.

"HOLY MOTHER OF GOD", Eddie jumped up so fast he tripped on the chair and fell down on his ass. His neck was full of purple and blue bruises, probably going down his entire chest. "My mom is going to kill me. Do you realise how unhygienic this is? I might have AIDS!", Eddie started to panic and hyperventilate, but luckily his friends had an inhaler ready. Eddie took three puffs before he could even slightly calm down. He would have to wear a scarf for the next two months if he didn't want his mom to see his condition and lock him up forever in his room and start homeschooling him.

"How did Richie know where I was?", Eddie asked, he had zero recollection of what had happened. Every time he tried to think about it, he could remember nothing but blackness and his head would start pounding so hard he would have to sit back down. He took another puff from his inhaler as he waited for Bev to finish filling him in.

"Richie didn't tell me how he knew, but I heard some gossip of you yelling at him. Also you basically came out to the entire school when you were kissing that other dude", Bev said, not meeting Eddies eyes. 

"Also, wh-why h-ha-haven't you told us th-that y-you were gay?", Bill asked and he looked at Eddie quizzically. "I told Bev", Eddie snapped back, still rubbing his eyes to stop the pain. Bill stood up and went to get him some aspirin.

"We-were you ever g-go-going to t-tell us?", Bill asked with a very serious tone as he returned. He placed the painkillers on the table in front of Eddie and he took them gladly. 

"Maybe someday I would've. I just didn't want Richie to know", Eddie said absentmindedly and didn't realise he had said something he maybe shouldn't have until Bev kicked him under the table. Bill had a very confused look in his eyes as he studied Eddies face.

"Wh-why didn't you want to t-th-tell Ri-richie? I don't get it", Bill asked and before Eddie could answer he heard Bill mutter his old phrase under his breath (" _he th-thrus-sts his fi-fis-sts ag-against the po-posts and still in-ins-insis-sts he sees th-the gho-ghost")_. Eddie let him finish before answering. "No reason really, I was just afraid of his reaction the most, since we've been best friends for so long", Eddie said his already rehearsed response. Bev looked surprised at Eddies quick (and convincing) answer and they bumped fists under the table. Bill looked satisfied with the answer and nodded slightly. 

Eddie still had no idea what had happened in that room with the stranger. He didn't know if he had just passed out or did something a lot more serious happen. Eddie silently decided to get checked just in case. He didn't want to die because of aids or something.  _Oh god,_ he thought and placed his head on his hands,  _what a mess._ This was so not what Eddie needed right now. Eddie had no idea how long he stayed like that, he snapped back to reality when Bev took his hands and Bill gave him hot chocolate. 

"Thanks guys. For everything", Eddie said gratefully as he took the hot drink from Bill. "You'll need to talk to Richie. He probably needs some answers", was all Bev said. Eddie knew she was right, but facing Richie was the  _last_ thing Eddie wanted to do at the moment. And if he really had yelled at Richie, the problem might not be that Eddie didn't want to see him, but that Richie might not want to see _him_. This was  _not_ helping with Eddies massive headache. 

****

His phone screen lit up. Richie turned to look and saw that the message was from Angie. He didn't even bother to answer, he didn't have the energy to deal with her right now. He was sitting on his bedroom floor with cold coffee in his hands. He couldn't do much but think. Richie felt as though in the last 24 hours his whole world had turned upside down. He had to question everything he thought he knew about himself just because he had felt  _jealous_ when he had seen Eddie kiss another boy. It didn't make sense. Richie was straight as an arrow, but still.. he couldn't shake the feeling he had got that night when Eddie looked at him with so much pain in his eyes. All that had made Richie think about Eddies words to him at the party.  _"You just play with me all the time. I'm nothing but good fun, huh?"_   Richie felt uneasy. What was Eddie talking about? He had to know that Richie would never do anything like that to him on purpose. They had been best friends forever and Eddie was the most important thing to Richie. So what was it about? " _You have to see it. You can't be so blind that you can't see it"_   See what Eddie? Richie felt as though his mind might explode from thinking this much. He never used his brain for actual thinking, but it wasn't like he could just stop thinking and move on. Eddies words had been echoing in his head the whole night and they didn't stop now. Richie didn't sleep that night at all and the couldn't even drink the coffee he had made himself. So he just sat there on the cold floor, thinking about his totally platonic relationship with his best friend Eddie Kaspbrak. 

Richies mind was overheating. He had been sitting, unmoving, on his floor for at least an hour just thinking about Eddie. Eddie and his amazing chocolate eyes and dark hair, with freckles running up his nose that were already fading away. Richie knew Eddie got freckles during the summer even though he was always wearing sunscreen. Eddies freckles was one of the reasons Richie loved summer, and why Richie hated fall for making those adorable freckles fade away. When they were younger, Eddie used to compete with Richie about who would get more freckles. Of course Richie always won but that didn't stop Eddie from trying again every summer. Richie smiled at the memory.  _I am made of memories._ Richie could probably remember everything about Eddie, from the way his breath hitched right before an asthma attack to the way he ran his fingers through his hair when he was nervous. Richie knew every last detail of that small asthmatic but now it felt as though they were complete strangers. They hadn't talked properly in weeks and now apparently Eddie was gay, which was somewhat of a shock to Richie, who thought he knew him. Richie sighed and got up, knowing exactly what he needed to do. 

****

"Hey, can we talk?", Richie said, meeting the other boys' eyes. He was clearly a little surprised to see Richie standing on his doorstep with dark circles under his eyes and hair even more messy than normally. 

"S-sure, come in", Bill said quietly, still a little surprised. It wasn't even five minutes ago when Beverly and Eddie had left and now Richie was there too. Bill felt as though he was becoming some sort of support network for his friends, which of course he didn't mind. He stood aside so Richie could walk past him and he quietly closed the door behind him. 

"Wh-what's u-up?", Bill said, offering Richie food and drinks, both of which he refused. Bill thought Richie looked like he hadn't eaten in weeks, but he figured Richie had something so terrible to say that he couldn't eat before it was out in the open. Bill tried to discreetly send Beverly a message that Richie was with him, probably to say something about Eddie. Eddie had left with Bev and they were probably still at his place, talking about the party and what Eddie should do next. Bill knew only some parts of their elaborate plan of 'how to get over Richie Tozier' but he had a feeling that Richie was going to blow all that up with whatever he had to say. 

"I have no idea what's going on. I didn't sleep at all last night because I was thinking about what Eddie said to me at the party and the fact that I had no idea my best friend was gay, if we even are best friends anymore", Richie said and Bill could swear he didn't take a single breath during that time. Bill had never seen Richie like that. He was always cracking jokes and making pranks, and Richie sure as hell didn't ever show his emotions, even though he had them. Richie hated confrontation and all that touchy-feely-stuff. Yet here he was, asking Bill for advice on what to do with his feelings. 

"So.. coffee?", Bill asked and Richie nodded, not meeting his eyes. Richie fixed his glasses (he usually wore contacts but he was too tired that morning) and they sat around the dinner table in silence, waiting for the coffee to finish brewing. Bill checked his phone to see Bevs frantic response, telling him  _not_ to, under any circumstances, tell Richie about Eddies feelings or his plan to get over them. Bill swallowed, quite loudly too, and he tapped his fingers on the table nervously. 

"Spill it, Bill", Richie said after a while of listening to Bills nervous tapping and fidgeting. 

"Spill w-what? I have no idea wh-what you-you're talking about", Bill said and got up to pour the coffee.

"I know you Bill. You're nervous and I want to know why", Richie said and got up to get his mug, because Bill was too nervous to carry them both without dropping them. Richie kept staring at Bill intensely, knowing that he could crack him. Bill didn't meet his eyes and that alone confirmed what Richie suspected. Bill knew something about Eddie and someone had told him not to tell. Bill was terrible at keeping secrets, mostly because his body language always gave him up. Bill glanced at Richie, his face all red and hands shaking. 

"I d-don't know wh-what yo-you're talking about", Bill said and sat down at the table, his back to Richie. The taller boy circled around the table and sat down opposite Bill, still staring at him. Bill was writing something on his phone and Richie soon found out what when he got a message from Bev.

" _Stop harassing Bill you jerk",_ was all the message said and Richie looked back at Bill, who was smiling. "You told on me? Dude that's so not cool", Richie said and tried to punch Bills arm, but he couldn't reach him.

"S-so wh-what did you want t-to tell me?", Bill asked, visibly less nervous now that Bev had packed him up. That probably meant that Bev also knew that something Bill didn't want to share, but Richie knew that he couldn't make Bev tell any secrets no matter what. That girl would make an amazing secret agent. She never cracked under pressure and she had the best poker face Richie had ever seen. Bev also beat them all up in poker one time, and the group had never played poker since. 

Richie looked back at Bill and sighed. He might as well say what he came to say, since Bill wasn't going to spill any beans now. "I think I'm in love with Eddie" Bill chocked on his drink and almost threw it up on Richies face. He had to get up to cough over the sink and Richie was scared for a second that Bill would choke or have a heart attack because of him. His face was red as a fire hydrant when he, still slightly coughing, turned back to Richie. 

"W-what!?", Bill said and coughed couple times more. He had burned his entire tongue with the hot coffee and he had to drink at least two glasses of water before he could cool down enough to let Richie continue what he said. 

"Aren't you going to tell Bev?", Richie said, surprised that even after that whole chocking thing Bill hadn't texted Bev the news. 

"D-do you want me t-to t-tell h-her?", Bill said and sat back down at the table. He was still in shock because of Richies confession. This was the last thing Bill had imagined that would ever come out of Richie Toziers mouth. He was  _in love with_ something, you know, other than himself. What was going on? Bill had never imagined Richie to be the type of person to catch feelings, let alone confess them to someone. 

"No I don't want you to tell her or anyone!", Richie said and tried to slap Bill but he successfully avoided Richies abnormally large hand. "I need to know what I should do. What do you think I should do?", Richie continued and scratched his head nervously, something Eddie did also.  _Oh my god_ , Billl thought,  _those two are copying each others mannerisms now?_ Bill had no idea what to do. He couldn't tell anyone if Richie didn't want him to, but if he told Eddie those two could work this whole thing out and everyone would be happy.  _What a mess,_ Bill thought, still staring at Richie, his mouth probably hanging open with shock. So.. Eddie doesn't know that Richie  _might_ be in love with him and Richie doesn't know that Eddie  _most certainly_ is in love with him.  _Oh god, oh god._

"I have no idea what you should do! Why did you even come to me and not the feelings-master Beverly!?"

"Wow... you didn't stutter once!", Richie said with a smile and raised his hand for a high five, which Bill gave with an eyeroll and a sigh. "But really... what would you do?", Richie continued and Bill really did try to think of something. He wanted to help Richie, but he had no idea how. Bev was so much better with all this stuff! She always knew what to say to make others feel better and she also always had chocolate with her, which Bill didn't understand. 

"I.. I th-think you sh-should talk to Ed-eddie", Bill said sheepishly and looked at Richie. He saw about a million different emotions cross the taller boys face, but still he nodded. They both knew that there was no way out of this without some kind of confrontation. Bill knew Richie hated those, but this time he didn't have a choice. This wasn't something that would go away with few well-thought-out jokes. Then something else came to Bills mind and he looked up at Richie again. 

"Wh-what about A-angie?", he asked and Richies face lift up so quickly his glasses fell from his nose. "Oh my god. I had completely forgot about her!", Richie screamed and basically ran out of the house. Bill just waved at his back and watched as Richie ran to his car and drove away with tires screeching. Bill sighed and put their two mugs into the dishwasher and leaned against the counter. He waited excitedly for Monday when he would hopefully see those two idiots walk hand in hand and everything would be fine again. Bill smiled at the thought and went to text Beverly the news. As if he was going to keep something this big to himself. 

****

Richie tried to finish his cigarette before Eddie would show up, since he knew how much the boy hated smoking and Richie really wasn't in the mood for another "smoking kills, Richie" talk. Richie had texted Eddie right after he broke up with Angie, telling him he wanted to talk. They agreed to meet at the quarry, where the losers club used to hang out. They hadn't been there in years, and it felt weird to be there again, but Richie knew it was the best place for him to tell Eddie how he felt. This was  _so_ not typical for him, though. Richie most definitely wasn't the type of guy to confess his love for someone, let alone someone he had known for so long. It was different,  _way different,_ from what he always told girls to get what he wanted. This was nothing like that, and Richie had never been more scared. He felt like such a sap for trying to figure out how he was going to tell Eddie.  _This is a nightmare_ , Richie thought, already hoping the whole thing would be over. 

"You know smoking kills, right?" Richie turned to face Eddie , who was walking towards him, and rolled his eyes. He did still put out his cigarette, knowing now was not the time to piss Eddie off. 

"Ha ha, very funny Eds", Richie said and turned to face Eddie completely. He let out a breath, his hands shaking.  _I'm going to die,_ he thought.

"Don't fucking call me that", Eddie said with a small smile and jokingly punched Richies arm. They stood there, quietly, for a while and after some time, it was Eddie who broke the silence.

"Y'know, it was funny you texted me, 'cause I have something I should say to you too", Eddie said and ran his fingers through his hair, trying to study Richies face. The taller boy didn't respond, letting Eddie finish saying what he had started. 

"I'm uh, sorry for what I said to you at the party. I was drunk and I didn't mean it", Eddie said, but Richie was quiet still, urging him on. Later on Richie would regret letting Eddie speak first. "And I uh.. I don't think we should be friends anymore", Eddie finished. He finally met Richies gaze, but he wasn't sure what he saw as he looked in his dark eyes. He guessed Richie would be shocked, but since they had been drifting apart lately and haven't even talked properly in weeks, Eddie thought it was best this way. He couldn't handle being around Richie anymore and Richie already spent most of his time with Angie and her friends. What Eddie didn't know, was that Richie had longed to be with him as much as Eddie had longed to be with Richie. He just took longer to realise his (now obvious) feelings. Richie came to tell Eddie how much he loved him, but those words were dead in his throat now. Richie just stared at Eddie, not believing his ears.  _This can't be happening_ , he thought,  _this can't be fucking happening._ Richie felt as though someone had cut his tongue out, because he had no idea how to talk, or even form words. He felt like he could die. He was shaking all over, not able to say a word or even breath.  

Many things ran through Richies mind. He thought of Eddie, of all the times he had made the smaller boy smile or laugh. Nevermind how many games he won, Richie always thought his greatest victory was that he was what sparked Eddies smiles. Eddies life had been the best part of his, yet there he stood. Unable to say a word. Richie didn't speak when Eddie broke his heart, he didn't speak when Eddie left. He stood there, not moving even when it started to rain. After what felt like an eternity, he screamed. He wailed and he cried, sinking to his knees. He almost hoped he could scream so loud that Eddie would, wherever he was, hear him cry and would turn back and return to him.

Richie cursed himself, why had it taken him five years to realise he was utterly and completely in love with Eddie Kaspbrak? It took him too long to see how he made Eddie go through hell and how he made him suffer everyday for five years. Maybe now it was his turn to suffer for years, or for eternity. He had lost something he didn't even really have in the first place. He had lost his friend, his smile and his life. All because he was too stupid to realise he loved Eddie more deeply than his other friends. And it was too late now. Eddie didn't want to suffer anymore and had cut the poisonous wound out of his life. Richie was left all alone and he had no idea something could hurt so much. He didn't know he was even able to feel so deeply about someone, and it was too late now. 

" _Come back_ ", Richie whispered, but there was no one there to hear him. 

 

 

"It's a tragedy, 

the way our story goes;

Maybe

Perhaps

_Almost"_

-unknown


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's another one, hope you like it!

It had been three months. Three months since... Richie just sighed and buried his face in his hands. He was sitting with his team, excluding Mike who was eating with the other losers. Richie didn't hang out with them as a group since Eddie wanted nothing to do with him, but he did sometimes hangout with Stan or Bill and of course he saw Mike a lot because of the games and practices. Richie was lowkey trying to see what the group was up to, but he stopped instantly as Bill met his eyes with a sympathetic look. Richie didn't need his pity. He was fine, fine without his old friends, fine without.. without  _Eddie._ It had been  _months_ and still just thinking about that name made Richies insides twist and turn. It was a lot harder to get over someone when you never had them in the first place.

Richie was just pushing his food around his plate when Mike sat next to him and lightly poked his side, not saying a word. He had a faint smile on his lips, something Richie hadn't had in ages. Mike was trying to cheer him up, but there was no way to help him now. He was tired, he hadn't slept properly in weeks because he was up all night thinking about a certain dark haired boy. He hadn't eaten much lately, he lost all of his appetite when he'd saw Eddie smile. Eddie was openly dating now which did absolutely nothing to help Richie get over him. He could only imagine the pain Eddie had felt every time Richie introduced his newest 'girlfriends'. Richie wasn't one to regret things that were in the past, but he did regret everything he had put Eddie through. He couldn't believe all he had done to the smaller boy. So right now, Richie felt as though he deserved everything he got. This was karma or some bullshit. He deserved every sleepless night, every lost appetite, every sting in his heart, he deserved it all. And right now, karma had apparently decided it was time for Richie to see Eddies boyfriend. Richie knew him, he was on the basketball team and Richie had sometimes chatted with him, but all that was a long time ago. He didn't remember his name, but in that moment he wanted to kill him. 

Mike probably sensed his thoughts, because he placed his hand on top of Richies and pulled him down. Richie hadn't even realised that he had stood up. He just saw  _red_ and he wanted to punch that guy so _much_. "Let it go. It'll get easier with time", Mike whispered to him, trying to comfort him. It didn't help, but it made Richie sit back down. He knew he had no right to be mad at that guy, but seeing him hold Eddies hand felt worse than death itself. But his ache for Eddie was stronger than his anger.  _It'll get easier with time_.

It had been five months. Richie poured his flat coffee down the drain. He watched silently as snow fell outside of his window. He saw small kids making snowangels and snowmen, old couples carrying logs of wood inside to keep them warm. He sighed and went to look for his warmer jacket. It was cold outside, but Richie didn't mind, he actually kind of liked it. Though he hated that he had to walk to school, because he couldn't afford winter tires. Today was Saturday though, so there was no school, but often Richie felt trapped inside his house so it had became a habit for him to take walks. Sometimes those walks took him to Bills house, sometimes to Stans. He let his subconscious lead him wherever. Sometimes he'd end up at Eddies house, and during those times it became hard for him to walk away, to keep walking. He usually saw a strange car parked outside, and he'd know instantly whose it was. During those times it was easier to keep walking. 

Richie looked at all the couples that he passed, holding hands and running towards the winter festival. Richie used to got to that festival with Eddie and the other losers, but now he'd almost rather get hit by a truck than go anywhere near it. He was filled with memories of Eddie with rosy cheeks and a running nose, laughing as he was covered from head to toe, so you could see nothing but his eyes. He used to smile at the sight of Eddie all bundled up, but now he felt nothing. He didn't even feel the already so familiar pinch in his heart. He just felt nothing.  _It'll get easier with time_. And it had. It had been five months, and each passing day Richie felt less and less. He had decided he wouldn't let his heart break, like Eddies had. He didn't want it to get that far, and he was already so good with masking his true feelings. Nothing could ever erase how he felt for Eddie, how he  _loved_ him. But he could hide it. And he had. He hid his feelings so deep he had almost forgotten them himself. His heart was filled with misery, but he had learned. He faked his smiles and laughs and what really broke him, was that it seemed as though his friends didn't notice. Not even Stan or Bill, who had been his friends the longest. They should know him that well, or maybe they did and they just didn't want him to fall off the wagon. Maybe they did see him suffer. Maybe they wanted him to get better, with time. 

It had been seven months. Richie was already so good at ignoring Eddie as he walked the halls. He could pretend he didn't hear Eddies steps echoing in the hallway and he could pretend he didn't hear the way his laughter grew louder. But he couldn't erase the fact, that his ears where tuned to Eddie. He could pick him out in a sea of thousands, easily. In a room full of people, Eddie was the first one he saw, always. It wasn't easy to see him, either. Richie felt as though his eyes were burning when he watched him. Eddie was his sun, and it wasn't easy to look directly at him. But Richie would rather go blind than turn away.

Their little group had fallen apart, slowly. First was Stan, who joined Richie. Bill followed him and Mike was the third to leave. Beverly and Ben tried their best to keep them all together, but soon Richie noticed that their visits became shorter and shorter and soon they stopped. That day Richie had seen them laughing with Eddie and his boyfriend. Their group was cut in half, and Richie couldn't help but feel responsible. He and Eddie had broken the Losers Club, but the saddest thing was, that no one seemed to mind. 

"It's easier this way", Stan said, "it was painful to see you separated from the whole group because of Eddie. It's best if we all just go our separate ways" It did nothing to ease Richies guilt, but it was a start.  _It'll get easier with time._

****

It had been three months. Eddie was staring at his phone, but the screen stayed black.  _I miss you._ But the screen stayed black still. He hadn't thought it would be this hard not to be with Richie. He had thought it would be better, easier, than to be with him. Because when he was with him, he was suffering. But now he was suffering more than he had thought possible.  _How are you doing?_ Eddie was dying to know. He'd never have guessed that he'd miss Richies obnoxious voice or his stupid jokes or his nicknames for Eddie. But here he was, wondering if he should call him, just to hear his voice. Eddie had been wrestling with that thought for hours, lying on his bed and rolling around in frustration. Instead of picking up his phone and correcting the mistake he had made, he turned his music louder and threw his phone across the room.  _I miss you, do you miss me?_

Eddie felt as though he might always miss Richie. Something as strong as his feelings for him don't just go away, even if Eddie wished they would. He heard a car turn to the street leading up to his house. A small part of him wished it was Richie with a boombox, on his way to confess his feelings for him. But the more reasonable part of him knew it wasn't him, it would  _never_ be him, because Richie didn't love him. Eddie sighed and turned on his back. He would bet that Richie didn't even notice his absence from his life. Did Eddie even matter to him? These thoughts were dangerous and Eddie knew it, he'd been down that road before, but not this time. So he picked up his phone from where he had thrown it and dialed a number. 

"Hey, you busy?", he asked when a familiar voice answered. He knew Tony was in his basketball practice, but Eddie didn't really feel like being alone that night. He didn't want to wake up alone, again.

It had been five months. Eddie sighed as he looked up at the sky. It was snowing and Eddie hated it, so he tightened the scarf around his neck and kept walking. He had promised to meet Tony at the winter festival, and looking at the number of couples on the streets, they weren't the only ones. Eddie had always loved the winter festival, and now it felt a little weird to go without his friends, but thankfully he had Tony to keep him company. He was excited to beat his ass on the arcade games. Eddie was really good, because he had learned from... from  _Richie_. Eddie felt a tug at his heart, but kept going. All of that's in the past now. His feelings and everything. Or that's what he always told himself, even though Eddie knew that was a big fat lie; nothing could make him forget about Richie, but all be damned if he wasn't going to try. His and Tonys story would start where his and Richies had fallen apart. 

Eddie was almost at the festival when he saw him. 

" _Richie_ _?_ _" ,_ he whispered as he saw those familiar curls bounce away from him. Richie was wearing a blue scarf and Eddie recognized it immediately; he had knitted that for Richie a couple years back. It had to be at least 6 years old? He couldn't believe that Richie would still wear it. It wasn't a very pretty scarf, full of holes and mistakes. Eddies heart ached when he saw him walk away. Richie looked the same, but somehow... different.  _Do I even know you anymore?_  

"Hey Eddie!", Eddie heard as he turned around to face Tony in all of his glory. His olive skin was glowing and his dark hair was neatly brushed. He smiled widely when Eddie looked at him, and he couldn't help but return the smile. He didn't feel as hollow when he took Tonys hand, still he couldn't help but turn around once more, to see Richie disappear around a corner. He didn't feel alone, though. He had Tony, someone who cared about him and made him happy. But he had to wonder what it would feel like to hold Richies hand, to kiss his cheek. How would it feel to fall asleep next to him, to wake up to his smile?  _I'll probably die without ever finding out._

It had been seven months. Eddie didn't remember him seeing Richie in a long time. He didn't see him at school, not in the hallways, not in the classes they shared. Eddie had left the band, so he didn't see Richie in games either, because he went to basketball games now instead. He sat there, cheering for Tony with Bev and Ben. After the game he would run up to Tony and he would lift him up to kiss him. Eddie was so small he barely reached Tonys shoulders. They would laugh and smile and stare into each others eyes when they were at their favourite diner later that night. They were basically always on double-dates with Beverly and Ben, because everytime they hung out, it was just them. Eddie sometimes spent time with Tonys friends too. They were nice and he liked them, but they made him miss his old friends, too. 

There were a lot of things Eddie didn't know. He didn't know that Richie still had a spare inhaler for him. He didn't know that Richie had fallen asleep with the scarf Eddie had made him more times than he'd ever admit. He didn't know that he still had a little heart next to Richies name on his phone. He didn't know that he missed him. He didn't know that he still loved him. But most importantly of all, he didn't know that Richie loved him too. 

"You should go to him", Bev told him one time. She was in pain with seeing Richie suffer and she knew that Eddie still loved him. Something that strong doesn't just disappear. 

"Are you insane?", Eddie said, turning to look at Bev with wide, surprised eyes. Bev didn't meet his gaze, she was looking straight ahead. Eddie tried to understand what was going on in her head. He couldn't go back to him, or had Bev somehow missed the last couple of months of him trying to get over him? She was insane for suggesting something like that. So they just sat like that for a while, side by side. Finally Eddie turned to look what Bev was looking at and he saw  _him._ He hadn't seen him in a long time, so it came as a shock to see Richie look so... normal. Only he didn't look normal, not when Eddie paid him closer attention. His eyes were sunken, his smile was hollow, his hair was flat, his glasses broken, he was dying inside. Eddie gasped and turned back to Bev, in panic.

"I've seen how much he needs you", Bev said quietly, barely louder than a whisper, "and how much you need him". Then she turned to face Eddie, who was dangerously close to a panic attack. "Well, you're wrong", Eddie said angrily while he stood up, leaving Bev sitting alone in the cafeteria. He took a puff from his inhaler, but he didn't turn back.  _I'm over him, how dare she say something like that?_ , Eddie thought as his pace quickened from walking to running. 

****

Richie was sitting alone after the game and everyone else had already left for the party, or some other place. He ran his fingers through his hair, it was all tangled because of the helmet. His back was hunched, he was rereading old messages, something he found himself doing more and more. Richie didn't know how long he had sat there, but he knew he couldn't leave, not for a while. He felt as though he might just sit there from dusk till dawn, just.. waiting for something. A miracle was what he needed in that moment, a reason to stand up and somewhere to go. Richie had neither and his mind wandered back to the times he had both. He often thought about how close he and Eddie had been. How they knew each others favorite songs, how they used to talk about their dreams and ambitions and how they were always there to comfort each other. He remembered all those times he had to escape from his house and he was lost, but he always knew he could just go throw a rock on Eddies window and he would let him in every time. Richie knew that no one else really got his humor the way Eddie did. They were like day and night, but they were also so similar, in so many ways. Richie thought about how they used to sit on park benches, laughing at other people and judging their fashion sense or something like that. The memory didn't make him smile anymore, it made him ache. He had tried to tell himself and others that he was fine, he was over Eddie and he was _fine._ But he had known deep down that he wouldn't be fine for a while. Not for a long while. 

"Hey"

Richie looked up to see a very shy looking Eddie standing a few feet away from him. He almost couldn't believe he was really there, talking to him. 

"What are you doing here?", Richie asked, standing up, but not moving an inch closer to the smaller boy. 

"I don't know to be honest", Eddie said, rubbing his head. Eddie felt like he had a million things to say, but he couldn't bring himself to say any of them. There was silence between them and neither wanted to break it. They didn't move an inch closer or further from one another. They didn't know how to speak to each other, it was something they had both forgotten in their rush to forget each other.  _It'll get easier with time_. But had it? It only felt like it had gotten harder. 

"You came to see the game", Richie said finally. He knew Eddie hadn't come to see football games since he started seeing Tony, but for some god forsaken reason he came tonight. Richie had seen him instantly, his whole body was tuned to Eddie, they way his breaths came and his feet struck the earth, all to the tune of Eddie. 

"Yeah", Eddie said, more an exhale than an actual word. He didn't look at Richie, he didn't see how Richie looked at him. Eddie didn't know how he had turned Richie into a love-wrecked being, only existing to see him once more, to talk to him once more, to hear him once more. Eddie didn't know this, but Richie was dying to tell him

"So how you've been doing?", Richie asked, faking his casual tone. He wanted to know so badly he was burning inside out. He would, frankly, do anything if in exchange he could listen to Eddie talk for forever. Oh, how much he had changed with the pain of it.

"I don't know. Good times and bad times, y'know?", Eddie answered, not sure what to say, really. He couldn't tell of all the times he almost picked up his phone and called Richie, or of all the times he had cried himself to sleep because of him. That's not something you can just blurt out to someone after not talking to them in half a year.

"It's nice to talk again. Though you look different", Richie said, still keeping his distance. 

"Yeah?", Eddie said quietly. Suddenly though, all of the times Richie had suffered, felt pain, cried and died inside because of Eddie came surging back into his mind. He felt angry, something he hadn't felt in a long time. 

"Well, thanks for not asking but I'm doing great. Can't eat or sleep, can't focus but sure I'm fine, just fucking blooming", Richie said, not sure where the anger had suddenly emerged from. Eddie was surprised at the change in Richies tone, but soon his brows furrowed in anger too.

"Well damn, can't be anything worse than what I've been through, can't it? You just gotta suck it up", Eddie said, almost spitting at Richie. 

"Oh yeah? Well I just know all about that, don't I? Oh wait, no I don't because you never fucking told me, did you?!", Richie tried to put as much venom and bottled up feelings in his words as possible. 

"What? Like I could ever tell you anything, you absolute trashmouth!"

"Oh I'll show you a trashmouth! I've been through hell and back because of your stupid fucking ass! You just had to be so selfish and cut me out completely, didn't you? You know what, I'm not done. I've been holding all this anger in for god knows how long so prepare to hear some shit! Because of you I've been starving, not able to sleep and because of you I've been basically planning to jump off of several rooftops or jump under more cars than you could count! You just left me! How could you do something like that?!", Richie yelled at the top of his lungs, barely breathing between words. Eddie just started at him, stunned. He had no idea how to respond, so they just stood there, Richie heavily panting and Eddie barely breathing.

"What", Eddie said finally, barely louder than a whisper. Richie could barely hear him, with so much blood pounding in his head. Richie didn't say anything, he just stared at Eddie, with tears rising to his waterline. Eddie was quiet for awfully long, just staring deep into Richies eyes. "W-why?", he said finally, confused out of his mind. 

"Because I love you!", Richie blurted out before he had a chance to think it through or stop himself. Eddie couldn't even understand what Richie had said, when Richie closed the distance between them, pressing his lips against Eddies. He cupped both sides of Eddies face and held him with all the love he had for him. Eddie was stunned, he didn't know how to act, but his repressed feelings came surging back with such force they almost knocked him out. Finally he melted into the kiss, running his fingers though Richies messy hair, something he had wanted to do for so long. Neither of them could believe what was happening; they just stood there, in the dark field, kissing each other with so much love and ache for each other under a single lamppost. Eddie started crying halfway through, but when Richie tried to pull back to ask if something was wrong, Eddie pulled him back, tighter than before. He wasn't going to let go of him ever again. They only had to stop when Eddies asthma attack decided to ruin the moment. Eddie was fumbling with his backpack, trying to find his inhaler, when Richie reached into his own and gave Eddie his spare inhaler. Eddie was so shocked at the adorable gesture he almost wanted to attack Richie with more kisses, but he was able to contain himself and take a puff from the inhaler. 

"So um... how-how long have you.. you know?", Eddie tried to ask subtly, still a little out of breath. Richie sighed and sat back down on the bench. 

"I guess for several years, but I only realised it after the party. Y'know, when you yelled at me", Richie said, ruffling his hair.

"Well how nice of you to catch on! Why didn't you say anything that time at the quarry?!", Eddie said and smacked Richies arm.

"Ow, that hurt you fucker", Richie said, but decided to answer the question when he saw Eddies angry face. "I just.. I was just so stunned when you said you didn't want to be friends, I couldn't force a single word out of my mouth. It just came so out of the blue, y'know? I came to confess my undying love-", Richie started until Eddie smacked him again to stop him from making stupid jokes during a serious conversation, "I'm not gonna say more if you keep smacking me!"

"Spill it Richard Tozier!", Eddie said and shocked Richie to his very core. 

"Don't get your panties in a twist Eds"

"Do not fucking call me that, you know I hate it"

"I don't hate you"

"...I don't hate you too"


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm just gonna admit that I have no idea when americans have their proms & graduations and i was too lazy to research so don't yell at me if the timing isn't accurate! This is set around april/may.
> 
> Enjoy this fluff chapter & do leave feedback, it makes me write faster ;)

 They caught glimpses of it sometimes. Walking in on hushed laughter and wide smiles. They saw how Eddie's face lit up whenever he saw Richie, or how Richie couldn't say Eddie's name without a wide smile, ear to ear. They saw them always together and never apart, always within arms reach of one another. They saw how they couldn't keep their hands to themselves, always touching, sometimes more and sometimes less. Other times it was just casually leaning on the other, sometimes their fingers were intertwined but sometimes they saw Richie's arm around Eddie, the smaller boy resting his head on his shoulder. They don't pay much attention to it, usually filing it away when Eddie fixes the collar of Richie's jacket or when Richie insists they hug every time Eddie leaves. Other times the two boys are more obvious, like whenever Richie 'casually' rubs Eddie's hand during lunch or when he sits on Eddie's desk in every class they share, waiting for him to arrive so he can flirt with him. They noticed that Eddie is less annoyed by the other and that Richie teases him more, needing his attention like oxygen in his lungs.  But little after little, their calculations all added up to the same thing.

"They're fucking", Mike blurted out while sitting down at the table where the others already were, minus Eddie and Richie of course.

"What the fuck Mike!", Bev squaled, surprised for the sudden noise next to her in their otherwise quiet table. 

"Well something's definitely going on", Stan said, scooting closer to the others so he could hear better.

"I bet they're just friends", Ben said, though he wasn't entirely sure, either.

"Oh come on! Have you seen those two? They're glued to each other! And also, if I might add, where are they now? I just had gym with Richie, but he is nowhere to be seen", Mike said. He clearly had all arguments locked and loaded, ready to strike. Stan more or less rolled his eyes, but Bev and Bill tried to subtly share a look, since they both knew something the others didn't: Eddie and Richie _were_ in love, though before they didn't know of each other's feelings. That might've changed. Mike was still arguing with Ben over whether or not they two boys were currently making out in the locker rooms, Stan piping in every now and then with his opinion.

"What was that?", Mike asked suddenly, his attention now completely on Beverly and Bill. Bev was able to keep her cool, but Bill... not so much. The boy was helpless: face blushing and his stutter getting five times as worse.

"What was what?", Bev asked him nonchalantly with a perfect innocent expression on her face.

"That _look"_ , Mike said, squinting his eyes suspiciously while eyeing Bill and Bev, trying to figure out what they weren't sharing with the group. "You know something, don't you?", he said finally, and Bill's face grew even redder. Bev was still keeping up her poker face, but unfortunately Bill was the weakest link.

"I h-have no idea wh-what y-you're talking about", he said and shrugged, trying to keep his cool by avoiding Mike's eyes. Mike was already opening his mouth, he was dangerously close to cracking Bill, but just then Eddie and Richie decided to join the group and Bill was saved.

"... For the last time Richie, I _do not_  want to wear your sweaty football jacket"

"It's not that sweaty!"

"I do not care, but I would rather die than wear it, do you realise how many germs your sweat has?", Eddie said and sat down at the table, bickering Richie following shortly after. Everyone else at the table glanced at one another, sharing meaningful looks of ' _you see my point?'_ . They all sat in silence for a while, Richie and Eddie not realising the awkward silences, too busy kicking each other under the table or throwing food on each other's plates. Mike was staring at Ben then, with a look that said ' _do you not see that? They're like ten year olds in a school yard, pulling each other's pigtails or some shit"_ . Ben sighed and shrugged, silently giving up and Mike tried to subtly celebrate his victory. Richie and Eddie didn't notice, and how could they? Richie was in the middle of telling some awful joke and Eddie was _beaming_ at him so much that he forgot to eat his food. It was like those two could see nothing but each other, like the whole surrounding world didn't matter.

"So... something interesting happen with you two lately?", Bev asked, raising eyebrows at the two adorable boys. At first they didn't even notice she said something. It wasn't until the whole table was quiet and staring at them when they noticed. Eddie realised something was going on first and turned to look at the other losers and Richie followed soon, distracted when he didn't have Eddie's full attention anymore.

"What?", Eddie asked shyly, a little weirded out by their staring.

"You guys got something you wanna share?", Mike asked this time. Eddie blushed immediately and looked down at his plate, mumbling something. Richie was looking at Eddie's red face and smirking. The others were looking at them expectantly, waiting for either of them to say something. It wasn't until Eddie shyly nodded at Richie and the taller boy turned to face the others.

"We're engaged!", Richie yelled and even some of the neighboring tables turned to look at him because of the noise.

"WHAT!?", the others yelled collectively.

"Richie you fucker I will _end_ you!", Eddie yelled and slapped Richie's arm before turning to the others, "we're just... hanging out", he finished finally.

"Oh thank god I was really worried for Richie's mental health there for a moment", Bev said and let out a breath she had been holding.

"Hey, why me?", Richie whined.

"Because you're always saying that marriage is the worst thing ever since the extinction of dinosaurs?", she continued and giggled lightly at the memory of Richie ranting about the downsides of getting married one time at the barrens when they were like fifteen.

"But back to the burning question; what'd you mean you're just 'hanging out'?", Stan piped in and the others nodded their heads along, agreeing with him.

"Well we're not dating but we're still making out during breaks, after gym, after games, before school, after school...", Richie said and earned another slap from Eddie before he got to the end of the list. He let out a loud 'ow' and rubbed his arm where Eddie had hit him.

"And that's not dating?", Mike asked, confused out of his mind.

"No", the two boys agreed in unison and high fived after. The other's decided to just drop the subject, rolling their eyes. Eddie and Richie would figure their shit out eventually. And what did it matter? They were acting like two honeymooners, it wouldn't take long for them to realise they were dating already. So the other losers just kept shaking their heads and rolling their eyes whenever those two were being disgustingly adorable. Which was always of course.

****

Richie had been standing there for fifteen minutes, barely moving. His eyes were stinging because he forgot to blink and his head was hurting from holding his breath for almost two minutes. He let out a shaky breath, finally, and blinked furiously to stop his eyes from watering. It was the banner. They had put it up that morning and Richie had been glued to that very spot ever since.

**SPRING PROM IS HERE!**

**GET YOUR TICKETS NOW!**

Richie was sure he had been to thousands of proms (latest was with Angie), but not once had he been this nervous. _What am I gonna do? Do I ask Eddie? Or will he ask me? Does he even like proms? Does he want to go?  Do_ I _want to go?_  These same thoughts had been criss-crossing his mind for almost twenty minutes now and he was sure he would go crazy because of them. He had been to so many proms with so many girls he didn't remember most of them, but when he thought about it, Eddie was always with Stan and Bill at proms. They never knew who to ask, or Richie supposed, maybe Eddie did know but he didn't dare to. But now things were different. He and Eddie were... _hanging out_ as they had put it. The truth was, they didn't really know what to call it, since they never talked about it. After the kiss under the lamppost on the football field they just... were. They were more or less the same as always but with more kissing and making out. _A lot more._ They didn't wanna talk about it, so they hadn't. Now that masterplan came to bite Richie in the butt because he didn't know what to do.

Richie was sure he would have stood there for the rest of the day if Mike hadn't stumbled upon him.

"Hey, what's up", he said cheerfully, but got no response from Richie. He didn't even turn to look at him, just waved his arm flatly. Mike followed his gaze and saw the poster for the spring prom, let out a knowing 'oh' and smacked Richie's arm playfully.

"You gotta ask Eddie to prom! You have to, he will be heartbroken for sure if you don't", Mike said, but Richie let out only a whimper. Mike sighed, realising the issue.

"You don't know how to ask him do you?", he said and shook his head, thinking it over. "Well, I've got some experience in this area so you just let me help you", he said after a while and it was then that Richie turned over to him. "You think I don't have any experience? I've asked so many girls to so many different proms it's insane for me to be nervous now!", he yelled and grabbed Mike by the shoulders.

"First of all, chill. Second of all, it's different now. You _love_ Eddie. You didn't feel the same way for those girls", Mike said and Richie nodded, but he felt the need to add that he didn't _love_ Eddie (even though he most definitely did, he just didn't want to so blatantly admit it to someone other than Eddie). However Mike sensed what he was about to say and just shook his head and shushed Richie before he could say anything. Mike led Richie out of the school and towards his car. Richie was little surprised, because Mike rarely skipped school.

They drove to the library in silence. Richie had tried to question Mike's choice for their elaborate "how to get Eddie to prom" planning spot, but Mike had just told him to trust him. So, for once in his life, Richie shut up and let Mike lead the way.

They arrived at the library soon enough, though it wasn't still quite clear to Richie _why_ they were there. Mike led him through the heavy front doors and through the glass tunnel to the kids' library. "What the fuck Mike?", Richie asked, but shut his mouth when he realised you weren't supposed to curse around kids. Mike just led him along the bookshelves and waved at the girl sitting at the desk. Richie raised his eyebrows then, silently asking what the fuck was going on, but Mike just shrugged and, for Richie's horror, stopped at the crafts table.

"Oh you're not serious", Richie said but Mike only smirked at him and sat down at the table. It was currently empty, but some kids took interest in it when Mike and a very reluctant Richie sat down at it.

"So, you're gonna make him an adorable banner and then you're gonna go serenade him below his window, y'know the whole pebble thing you got going on when you were younger", Mike instructed and went to get colorful papers. He returned soon with more glue sticks, glitter and bunch of pink and blue carton. Richie made fake gagging noises and the little kids that had gathered around them giggled. Mike smacked him gently and handed him the scissors.

"Mike don't make me do this, it's ridiculous", Richie said, not enjoying the fact that he couldn't swear. But he didn't want no librarian to give him an earful for teaching foul language.

"Do you want to take Eddie to prom or not?", Mike asked, still holding the scissors. The kids turned to look at him expectantly, already emotionally invested in Richie's banner making.

"Ugh, fine", he said finally and took the scissors. The kids cheered and handed him crayons and more glitter and more glue. Richie knew Mike used to work summers in the library, so many of the kids knew him and some even called him 'uncle Mike'. Richie secretly thought it was adorable but he still managed to make fun of Mike because of it. He had a reputation to uphold, even though it might just be disappearing the more he put glitter on the banner. The kids picked the color (pink) because they thought every girl liked pink. At that point Mike and Richie exchanged a weird look, not sure if they should reveal that the target was actually a boy. Mike had just shrugged and Richie went for it.

"Well actually, the banner is for a boy", he said simply and the kids turned to look at him.

"Oh, do you like him then? Is he your boyfriend?", they asked, not even a little surprised for the turn of events. Richie was kind of taken aback by it, but Mike just grinned.

"I do like him", Richie said and the kids giggled. They added some more glitter and cut out hearts for the banner and it was ready. And it looked absolutely horrible. It read 'WILL YOU GO TO PROM WITH ME EDDIE SPAGHETTI?' in huge letters with glitter all over them and cut out hearts hastily glued to every free spot on the banner. Richie thought it looked absolutely horrible, but Mike assured him that Eddie would love it. Afterall, he had never been asked to prom. That did nothing to ease Richie's nerves though. So he and Mike dragged the pink banner out of the library and into Mike's car ("you will clean every single drop of glitter, Rich") and went for coffee to discuss their plan further.

"Mike for the last time, I won't throw pebbles at his window in the middle of the night and serenade him! I have a reputation in this town!", he said and Mike sighed. They had been over the same argument for at least a thousand times now and Mike was getting frustrated. He was hoping Richie would put more effort into this, but he was as if he didn't care one way or the other.

"So what do you want to do?", Mike asked and drank the rest of his coffee, which was already cold.  Richie sighed deeply and buried his head in his hands.

"I don't know! I just... why does this have to be so goddamn hard?", he asked, burying his head deeper into his hands, if that even was possible.

"Well I'd say my idea is a winner, but you should be happy with whatever you decide to do", Mike said and continued after Richie didn't answer, "but just consider, you going over there with flowers ("Eddie's allergic", Richie interrupts) okay not flowers but anyway, you go over there and throw pebbles at his window like you used to do when you were sneaking in his house and then when he opens the window you'll be there playing that song he loves ("Africa you mean"), yeah that one and then you hold up the sign and he'll say yes and you'll live happily ever after", Mike said and Richie finally looked at him through his fingers.

"Alright... theoretically, if I did that... would Eddie say yes?", Richie asked shyly. Mike smiled and nodded, trying his best to reassure him. Mike knew Richie hadn't done anything like this before, not with any of the girls he had gone to prom with. This time, he had _feelings._ As unbelievable as that sounded in Mike's head, _Richie Tozier, the Trashmouth himself, was utterly and helplessly in love with Eddie Kaspbrak,_ it was true and Mike was so happy for them. Now he just had to hope Eddie would appreciate the extravagant gesture.

****

 _Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap_ , Richie thought as he was pacing back and forth on Eddie's front yard, the banner and his old boombox radio sitting on the lawn in front of him. He had been walking around for almost an hour, trying to decide if he should just call it quits. Mike had spent a good twenty minutes pep talking him so he wouldn't chicken out and the other twenty minutes he spent reassuring Richie that he would never ever ever tell a soul how nervous he was or how he was totally in love with Eddie. Mike had promised to keep his mouth shut and so Richie had gone home to put on his finest (and only) suit and now here he was, standing under Eddie's window like a fool. _No one will take me seriously after this,_ Richie thought, _no one ever takes you seriously,_ another voice whispered and that was all the encouragement Richie the Trashmouth needed to pick up a pebble and throw it against Eddie's window. Nothing happened and so Richie picked up another one and threw it. Still nothing. Richie was suddenly scared that Eddie wasn't home (though Mike had called him earlier and very subtly made sure he would be there when Richie would come) but he still picked another pebble and threw it. Just then he heard footsteps inside and soon a very tired Eddie appeared on the window and opened it.

"What the fuck Richie? You better not be here on a booty call 'cause I have a test tomorrow and I need sleep", Eddie said, yawned and rubbed his eyes. Richie was beaming at him, all of his nervousness just vanishing. Just like that. He didn't say anything, he just pressed 'play' and Africa started playing. Eddie looked even more confused and then Richie picked up the banner and held it as high as he could.

"Richie the banner is upside down", Eddie said, leaning on his windowsill and grinning at his stupid idiot, making a fool of himself. Richie let out a small 'oh' and turned the banner. Eddie clasped his hands on his mouth, not quite expecting a prom invitation from _Richie_ . This was however something he had dreamed of since his first prom, where he went with Stan, Bill and Mike and Richie went with some girl. Every prom after that was just another cut in his heart, watching Richie slow dance with someone else. But now... Richie was under _his_ window, playing _his_ favorite song, asking _him_ to prom. Eddie hastily closed the window and ran downstairs and toward the door. Richie was still holding the damn banner like an idiot when Eddie basically tackled him with his hugs and kisses. Eddie didn't care that he was in his pyjamas and barefoot, in that moment he only wanted to kiss Richie so much his lips would be swollen for at least a week.

"Yes of course I'll go with you, you idiot!", Eddie said and before Richie could say something witty, Eddie attacked him with more kisses. And there they laid, kissing on Eddie's front lawn, in the middle of the goddamn night.  

Eddie hadn't thought of what came after the most adorable prom invitation ever. What would he _wear?_  He had gone to bed happily, only a little cold, after Richie had left with his radio. The pink banner was lying on his floor and it took Eddie a full hour to even slightly calm down. Then he had went to bed with a smile so wide he looked as though he was sleeping with a hanger in his mouth. But when the morning came and he saw the banner again ( _Oh thank god I thought I dreamed it)_ that's when his nerves hit him like a smack on the head. He was screaming internally, pacing around his room so nervously he almost forgot to go to school altogether. He rushed out the door, wearing mismatched socks and a hoodie inside out. He had to run to school so he would make it to the test on time, which he did ( _thank god)_ but after he had emptied his head of everything he knew of the colonies and imperialism in Africa, the nerves caught up with him again. And there was only one person he could talk about this with.

"Oh my god I'm so happy for you!", Bev squaled and hugged Eddie so tightly he had to take two puffs from his inhaler after Bev let him go. She wanted to hear every detail of how Richie asked him to prom and Eddie told her everything, smiling ear to ear as he did. He hadn't stopped smiling since he woke up that morning, nevermind how nervous he was during the whole day. Eddie was sure his teacher thought he was cheating on the test because he was smiling so much. Bev had already started to list the best stores to buy suits from and she was thinking about color schemes and flowers and everything and Eddie could only barely keep up with her as she was dragging him outside.

"Do we have to go right now? The prom isn't until next week, Bev", Eddie asked nervously as Bev was dragging him towards her car.

"Well I have to buy a dress, too!", was all that Bev said. Ben had asked her a couple days prior and she had been ecstatic ever since. Ben was also probably planning some sort of double date now that Richie and Eddie were more or less a couple. The word brought butterflies to Eddie's stomach and his smile grew wider still. He and Bev had such an amazing time shopping for dresses and suits and judging each other's choices. Bev ended up with a silver dress, skintight and floor length. Eddie thought she looked like a queen in it and he was sure Ben wouldn't be able to stop drooling once he saw her in it. For himself, Eddie had ended up buying a dark blue suit and a white shirt with it. He knew navy blue was Richie's favorite color, and so he decided to go with that. Bev told him he looked _hot_ in it and Eddie was glad. He wanted to make Richie drool as well.

Later that night Richie texted Eddie, asking what color his suit was so they could match, but Eddie didn't want to give it away so he only told Richie not to wear blue, green or yellow. Eddie couldn't help but giggle when Richie asked if Eddie was wearing all of those colors and if so, the invitation was off. Eddie only sent him a wink emoji and went to bed, leaving Richie hanging.

****

Eddie was sitting nervously at the edge of his bed. He had tried to do his messy hair at least ten times to make it look even a little bit presentable, but it was no use. This of all days his hair couldn't cooperate. Eddie was fidgeting again, not able to control his nerves. So he stood up again, smoothed his suit for the tenth time and started pacing around his room. He was sure he had never been even half as nervous as he was just then. He walked over to his mirror and looked at his suit again. He did look good, he had to admit, but he was still worried Richie wouldn't like it. _Why wouldn't he like it?_ , he heard Bev's reassuring voice in his head and he let out a deep breath, trying to calm himself, but it was no use. He sat down and stood up again at least ten times and paced around his room so much his mom yelled for him to knock it off. So he sat down _again_ and started fidgeting, his legs shaking all over. Just then he heard the lovely, if somewhat annoying sound, of a pebble hitting his window. He tried to calmly walk downstairs so he wouldn't trip and break his neck or something. That would  be just great. He was so nervous he could barely open the door and so he had to stop, take a deep breath and turn the knob. He stepped outside and what he saw there waiting for him almost knocked him unconscious. _That's_ how good Richie looked in his red suit with a black shirt underneath, leaning on his car. He wore a bowtie and suddenly Eddie felt conscious of his decision not to wear a tie. He tried to subtly fix his hair as he walked down the stairs from the porch, but by the look on Richie's face, he looked just fine. _More_ than fine. To Richie, Eddie looked like an absolute _dream._ He took a couple of steps so he could meet Eddie halfway and, like the drama queen he is, he knelt and took Eddie's hand, as if to propose, and put a corsage bracelet around his wrist. It was made of white roses and sunflowers, matching Eddie's suit beautifully.

"You look beautiful", Richie said as he stood up, not daring to make a joke. He knew when he needed to be serious and this was one of those times. Eddie's breath hitched and for a moment Richie was sure he would cry, which he wouldn't be able to handle, but Eddie just beamed at him and Richie returned the smile and went to open the car door for his date, half because he was a true gentleman and half because he wanted to see Eddie's ass in a tight suit. And _damn_ if he looked fine as all hell.

They rode to the prom with light banter passing back and forth between them, easing both of their nerves. For probably first and last time in his life Eddie was grateful for Richie's jokes, because without them he would probably have died of a stroke on the way to the prom. That's how nervous he was. Of course he'd been to prom before, but not _with_ someone. He'd always just been hanging around with Bill, Stan and Mike who also never dared to ask anyone to prom. This time Mike was going with his girlfriend Lisa and Stan and Bill kept up their tradition of going together as friends. Eddie was glad he had a date, because this time he would get to be the one Richie slow danced with. He was sure he would die of happiness. Just then Richie grabbed his hand and Eddie had to scream at him to keep both hands on the wheel, but it wasn't like Richie was going to let go of his hand anytime soon.

It didn't take long for the two of them to find their way onto the dance floor, swaying horribly out of rhythm with the music but it somehow felt so perfect. During the slower songs Richie would pull Eddie so close they could feel each other's heart beats, but during the faster songs Richie liked to twirl the smaller boy around and - much to Eddie's horror - dip him on the dance floor so deep Eddie could feel his heart lodge in his throat. They didn't really stop all night, both of their faces flushed and glistening with sweat. Richie had already took off his jacket after the third song, Eddie only after the fifth. Richie had brought a flask with him - no surprise there - because he was planning on spicing up the punch, but he was swayed when Eddie asked for a drink and Richie gave him the flask. The drink wasn't that strong, but after a while they were a little tipsy, Richie not so much since he was the driver, but even he had taken a few sips. After the twelfth or so song, they both agreed they needed a small break, so they found a quiet place to sit down for awhile. They didn't talk, both a little tired, but Eddie was leaning his head on Richie's lap, who was running his fingers through his hair, making it all messy again. They sat there then, for a few silent moments, and Eddie turned to look up at Richie, who was sitting on a step over him on the stairs. His eyes were closed and if it weren't for his fingers caressing his hair he might've thought he was asleep. Eddie didn't feel like bothering him, but soon a familiar song came on and Richie's eyes flew open.

"Come on Eds, it's our song!", he yelled and pulled the smaller boy with him back on the dance floor. There were noticeably fewer couples now, and they were all in the same haze as Richie and Eddie, not paying attention to others at all and Richie's rush to pull the smaller boy onto the floor broke the illusion of being alone, the only ones there. Eddie recognized the song also, it was Africa again. He was happy that Richie thought of it as their song, because it was Eddie's favorite and Richie had played it to him when he asked him to prom. This song would bring so many good memories in the future.

_"... it's gonna take a lot to take me away from you..."_

Richie beamed when he got to swirl Eddie around to the tune of _their_ song. They tried to dance to the actual rhythm of the song at first, but soon their dance slowed down until they were only slightly swaying, trying to hold each other as close as possible.

_"... there's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do..."_

Eddie rest his head against Richie's chest, listening to his heart beat ever so steadily. He felt as though he might fall asleep just then, listening to the even rhythm of his heart. He felt Richie rest his cheek against the top of Eddie's head - yes, that's how big their height difference was - and he felt so at peace. He wanted the song to last forever, so they could always stay there, swaying to _their_ song.

_"... gonna take some time to do the things we never had..."_

Richie had to wonder, if it was possible to die from happiness. The last seven months had been the hardest of his life, and that was saying something. He never would've believed he would someday end up right here, dancing with the love of his life, wanting nothing more but to take him home so he could fall asleep listening to his breathing and wake up to his smiling eyes. In that moment Richie realised that was all he wanted. All he could ever want was something as simple as that. To fall asleep next to his Eds and to wake up to him as well. If someone had told this to his younger self, he would've laughed at their face. Yet here he was, feeling as content as ever. This was all he wanted, for the rest of his life, only this.

_"... I bless the rains down in Africa..."_

"Come home with me", Richie felt himself say, breaking the tranquil silence between them. Eddie lifted his head to look up at him and Richie met his gaze, his eyes filled with sincerity and _please._

"Alright", was all Eddie responded and Richie couldn't believe it had been that easy. He had almost prepared an argument in his mind, but Eddie only returned his head on its original position against Richie's chest and they were like that until the song ended. They stopped dancing then, and Eddie looked around, realising they were the only ones there. He felt as though they were only ones in the whole world. As though somehow reality had ceased to exist and there was only  _you and me_. It was a surreal feeling, nothing he had ever felt before or would ever again. Eddie kept his gaze away for a while longer, knowing the question Richie had in his eyes.  _Are you ready_ , his eyes asked, and Eddie nodded, he was. 

Richie pulled him along, out into the cold air. Richie felt the need to make sure Eddie was really there, really with him and so he looked back to see if he was there, and he always was. They walked to the car in the sweet, familiar silence they had shared most of the evening, neither wanting to break it. Richie felt as though his head had cleared enough to drive, he even tried to say the alphabet backwards in his mind, but he gave up soon enough, he couldn't do that no matter how sober he was. They reached the car way too quickly, or maybe they had finally lost all concept of time. There was nothing but each other, only them in the whole world. 

The silence was there when Richie was driving them home, only making sure Eddie was really  _there,_ really real and not something Richie had imagined. Every now and then he placed his hand on the smaller boy's thigh, gently, softly. Feeling Eddie was there reassured him in some way he didn't quite understand. He pulled his hand away, at least for a while. But when the urge reached him again and he touched Eddie's thigh, to his surprise, the other boy grabbed his hand and held it tight. Richie glanced over to him, only briefly, but he saw something foreign in Eddie's eyes, but he did not quite have the time to figure out what it was he saw when they already reached home. The silence pressed them, unable to move away until they glanced at each other and hurried out of the car, stopping briefly to press haste kisses on each other's lips. They made their way to the door quickly, kicking off their shoes and jackets as soon as the door closed behind them and then they were already hurrying upstairs, stopping once more, so Richie could lightly bite at Eddie's lower lip, a small promise of something yet to come. 

The door opened quickly and it closed quicker. Richie was already pulling off his bowtie, dropping it on the floor, unable to tear his eyes away from Eddie, who was unbuttoning his shirt. He was much too slow for Richie's taste and he decided to help him a little. Soon the shirt dropped on the floor and their hands were already pulling Richie's shirt off. Soon their clothes were nothing but a mess on the floor.

Just then Richie felt the urge to press Eddie against the wall, it had been too long since he had felt his lips against his own. He traced Eddie's neck and chest with his lips, the moans he received the most beautiful thing he had ever heard. Everything else would sound ugly after he had heard those beautiful moans fall off from his gorgeous lips, all else mere sounds compared to it. 

 _"I'll make you purple all over",_ he whispered, barely audible as he felt Eddie's hands ceaselessly roaming his body, wanting,  _needing_ , to touch him everywhere he could reach. Richie felt himself fumble with Eddie's belt then, and he felt him return the favor, soon there was nothing but  _them. You and me, just us._ The touches of Richie's lips were burning on Eddie's skin, like fire making him burn inside out, but he only wanted  _more_. Death had never felt sweeter. 

 _"I'll be good to you, lemme be good to you",_ Richie whispered,  _pleading_ , not much more than a huff of breath. Eddie let out a shaky breath and pressed his lips hastily on Richie's, needing his sweet breath like air in his lungs. They were touching each other everywhere now, ceaselessy, feeling like they had all the time in the world, nothing would stop them now. They were lying on Richie's bed, trembling and trembling, placing kisses on whatever skin they could find, leaving purple marks all over each other, in places only they could see.  _Just us._ They were so close they could feel nothing but each other, but still they tried to clutch each other closer, closer, not close enough. Their moans filled the air between them, their haste breathes all around them. Their touches were like the darkest of magic, something you could only feel in the shadows, making you ache for more, getting you hooked on the feeling of it. Leaving you bruised and aching. 

Their lips met again, needing each other more every time. Their mouths opened under each other and they pulled each other closer still. Richie's face was pressed against Eddie's chest, they were both breathing louder now, trembling more and more with each and every touch they shared. Eddie felt Richie's lips on his neck, he felt how it  _ached_ , how it almost hurt. He cherished he pain, almost wanting more of it. With every kiss, every breath, every touch they wanted to say  _I love you, do you know how I love you?_ With every moan, every cry of pain, every nail digging on each other's backs they wanted to say  _I need you, do you feel how much I need you?_  But it didn't feel like enough, they wanted more, more and more but it wasn't enough. 

And in that moment they felt like nothing would ever be as beautiful as this moment was, to them. They felt as though they had stood for thousands of years, without so much as a shiver going through them, but now they  _shook._ And nothing would ever feel like that again. All that mattered was the next kiss, next touch. Richie opened his mouth in a silent cry, not so much as a whimper coming out of his mouth, and Eddie closed it with a kiss. They felt each other fall, falling deep somewhere, someplace they could not return from, but in that moment it was enough. 

 

_"He is more myself than I am._

_Whatever our souls are made of,_

_his_

_and_

_mine_

_are the same"_

-Emily Brontë


	6. Chapter 6

They had been lying like that for hours. Sprawled across Richie's bed, listening to their favorite songs and sharing some lazy kisses every now and then. They talked and talked and at some point Richie wanted to dance with Eddie and he laughed, saying Richie was probably a little drunk or something. Richie just said that he was a sap like that, a hopeless romantic. So Richie pulled Eddie up from the bed and they slow danced to fast songs, but ended up making out on the bed again. They always seemed to end up there, somehow. Richie made bad jokes and Eddie smacked him with a pillow every time he called him 'Eds'. Eddie didn't really hate it, but it was too late to confess now. Eddie went to make them coffee and tea, but he could barely reach downstairs when Richie already had his arms around him, as if some force was pulling them together. So they ended up making out against the kitchen counter while the coffee was brewing and tea was boiling. They couldn't seem to keep their hands to themselves, and Eddie loved it. But he dreaded the moment he would have to leave. 

"Bev is asking where we are again", Eddie said after he opened the fifth text he got from Bev that morning. Richie sighed, not wanting anything to interfere with their Saturday. They supposed their friends had a right to be worried, since Eddie and Richie were radio silent at the moment, but they wanted to enjoy their first morning together a little while longer. 

"Hm", was all Richie responded and Eddie looked at him curiously. The smaller boy was lying on the bed, wearing one of Richie's hoodies, that was way too big for him but Richie insisted that he wear it. Richie was sitting on his windowsill, smoking. The air outside seemed gray because of it, even though the sky was blue. Even Richie's dark hair seemed gray amidst the smoke. Eddie walked up to him, not minding the smoke (unusual for him) and wrapped his arms around Richie's waist. 

"Aren't you afraid you'll get cancer?", Richie said and chuckled while he wrapped his free arm around Eddie's shoulders. 

"Then we'll have cancer together and die", Eddie sighed and Richie smiled down at him, pulling him as close as he could. Eddie pressed soft kisses on Richie's neck, enjoying his warmth. 

"Y'know, I'll probably have to break up with your mom now that we're fucking", Richie said, blowing more gray smoke into the air and smiling down at the smaller boy. 

"I will push you down, don't tempt me", Eddie responded, pretty fed up with Richie's mom jokes by now. They had been a running gag since they were like twelve and apparently they weren't about to die out just yet. Still somehow Eddie giggled lightly at Richie's joke, something he probably shouldn't do if he wanted his stupid jokes to disappear. Maybe he was getting used to them, many fond memories flooding his mind. 

"You wouldn't", Richie said, faking an offended tone. Eddie met his gaze then, raising his eyebrows in a challenging manner. 

"You're right", Eddie said and Richie laughed, about to say something witty when Eddie continued, "I would be far more discreet if I murdered you"

Richie looked at him in surprise, putting out his cigarette. "Why is my boyfriend so mean?"

"You wouldn't want me any other way", Eddie said, taunting Richie. He looked up at him, smirking and Richie pretended to look offended. 

"Well I'm not sure about that", he said in response and Eddie chuckled at him while pulling himself farther apart so he could properly look at the taller boy. Eddie twirled his fingers around some of Richie's little curls.

"You need someone to keep you grounded", was all Eddie said, feigning an arrogant face, his hand still in Richie's hair. Richie pulled him closer and kissed his forehead, a faint smirk across his lips. Eddie's phone vibrated again and he looked at it. It was another message in their group chat, but Eddie didn't have the energy for it at the moment. He felt a pinch of quilt when he saw the time though, it was already 16:40 and he knew he had to go home sometime. He sighed, letting go of Richie, and went to gather his things where they were splattered all over Richie's room. The taller boy was still sitting on his windowsill, looking at Eddie running around. Both of them felt... strange. Neither knew how to describe it, but it was some mix between emptiness and yearning, as if both wanted something else, something they didn't quite know how to name. Eddie stopped at the door and Richie smiled at him then, but didn't move. He didn't quite remember how to. Without a word Eddie stepped through the door, walked downstairs and out into the warming spring air. He felt like turning to look back, to see if Richie was still sitting there, watching him, but he didn't stop, and he didn't turn. He was afraid that if he saw Richie there, he wouldn't be able to leave at all. So he didn't turn. And he didn't see an empty windowsill with a closed window. 

****

 "Is that Richie's shirt?", Stan asked immediately when Eddie was close enough to hear him. The other losers turned to look at him as well and Eddie felt a blush creeping across his cheeks. 

"Uhh... no?", Eddie said, rolled up the sleeves of his sweatshirt, trying to hide how obviously big it was for him. The others exchanged weird glances before Beverly spoke out, breaking the awkward silence.

"Eddie that's a football shirt with our school colors & mascot", she said and took Eddie's hands, spinning him around, "and it says 'Tozier' on the back" She spun Eddie back again, his face so red it was unreal. Stan had a knowing smile plastered across his face and the other's were smirking as well. Eddie couldn't believe that the one shirt he stole from Richie happened to be his football sweatshirt. The whole team had similar shirts and now Eddie was walking around with Richie's named in huge block letters across his back. It was as if he had somehow branded himself, 'Oh lookie here, Eddie and Richie banged last night!'. He might as well have been walking around with a megaphone or made an announcement on the school radio.  _Great,_ Eddie thought,  _good going keeping this a secret idiot_. 

"Soo... what did you do this weekend?", Mike asked, barely containing his laughter. Eddie rolled his eyes, still as red as a tomato. 

"More like who'd he do", Stan said and the others burst into laughter and Eddie's face grew redder still, if possible. They were still laughing when Richie arrived, a look of confusion on his face. He didn't even get the question out of his mouth when Mike, who was closest to Eddie, spun him around again so Richie could see his back. Richie started laughing as well and he had to lean on the lockers so he wouldn't fall on the floor. This continued for more than five minutes straight, a new wave of laughter erupting every time someone took a single glance at Eddie. The small boy was getting very frustrated and borderline angry with all the laughing, but still he couldn't help when a small smile crept on his face and soon he was smiling also. After a while the laughter died out and Richie put his arm around Eddie's waist, pulling him close and kissing his cheek. 

"And here I thought we were going to keep this a secret", Richie said and Eddie tried to smack him, but instead Richie took his hand and intertwined their fingers. Eddie looked at Richie, trying his very best to maintain an angry expression and failing gloriously when Richie winks at him. 

"It's not like you were that subtle before, either", Stan said and playfully smacked Richie's arm, "I mean, you guys did  _not_ cover up those hickeys well". Eddie's face was red again, and Richie loved seeing him that embarrassed. Richie kissed Eddie's cheek again, making the smaller boy smile. The losers club cooed at them collectively and Richie laughed. He was so happy that he and Eddie were together, after all the troubles they had on the way there. He knew Eddie was even happier, because he had been aware of his feelings for a whole lot longer than Richie had. It made Richie think, what if he had known then? What if they had told each other how they felt when they were fourteen? Could they've been together all this time? Or would they've broken up because they would've been too young for something like that? He would never know, so it was no use to think about it, but he couldn't help it. They had lost five whole years they could've spent kissing, holding hands and sleeping side by side. He thought about all the school dances and proms they had lost and how many parties they had attended where they could've made out in the corner, drinking cheap beer in between? Richie felt sad for all of those things, he felt as if he had  _missed_ something in life, something amazing he could've been a part of but couldn't anymore. He supposed he was staring into nothing with his brows furrowed, because Eddie was looking at him with worry in his eyes. The smaller boy stood up on his tiptoes, kissing the corner of Richie's mouth and placing his hands around his waist. Richie looked at him and smiled, putting his other arm around him and pulling him close to him. And suddenly it didn't matter how many years they had missed, because all at once the only thing that mattered was how many years they still had ahead of them. How many kisses, hugs, make out sessions in dirty bathrooms. They still had an eternity and it made Richie happier than anything else ever could.  _We have an eternity._

"... I was thinking maybe something classier than that?", Bev finished her sentence when Richie was jolted back into the present moment. He had completely zoned out of the conversation, deep in his own thoughts. He supposed the others were talking about their graduation which was nearing every day. School was almost over and Richie was glad, but it made him think about the future, which was very unlike him. Before he didn't have anyone else to worry about, but now... things had changed on that front. He glanced at Eddie who was laughing at something funny Bill had said and in that second he decided not to worry about it. He had never been a person who worries about stuff and he wasn't about to start now. 

"Richie what do you think?", Ben asked and brought Richie back to reality. 

"W-what?", he asked. Richie was usually (or  _always_ ) very loud and vocal, so it was no wonder his friends were looking at him all weird. So he just laughed and made a stupid joke with one of his voices and the others groaned, rolling their eyes, but secretly they were glad that Richie was acting like his usual, obnoxious and annoying self. 

**** 

Graduation was getting closer day after day and when everyone else were stressing about dresses and tuxedos, senior pranks and college applications, Eddie found himself worrying about a different kind of future, his and Richie's future. What were they going to do? They had been together for only a month so they had absolutely no idea where their relationship was going. Eddie knew he wanted to go to college outside of Maine, he wanted to get as far away from his mother as possible and he knew that Richie dreamed of working as a DJ at a radio station in Los Angeles. Eddie had been thinking about this a lot lately, but he had yet to gather enough courage to actually talk about it with Richie. He had asked Stan for advice as well, and Stan had told him that he needed to talk with Richie and see what he thought about everything. Eddie knew he was right, but even now as Richie sat cross-legged on his bed with his math notes before him, Eddie couldn't force a word out of his mouth. Eddie was sitting at his desk, he had already finished his homework assignments, and he was nervously chewing the end of his pen. 

"Hey Rich... what did you get for number 7?", Eddie asked, though he already had the answer, he just needed a way to start a conversation. He was desperate for other kinds of answers. 

"You're seriously asking me? Do remind me, which of us is in math honors again?", Richie shot back without so much as looking at Eddie, a light chuckle escaping his lips as well. Eddie didn't answer, he didn't know how to, so he just stared at Richie nervously and chewed his pen again. A strange silence descended between them, one Eddie was desperate to break. He was begging for Richie to notice his distress, but the other boy was giving him nothing. Another moment passed between them in silence until Richie slowly looked up and met Eddie's worried eyes. 

"You're thinkin' 'bout it too, huh?", Richie said quietly and Eddie nodded shyly. Richie put his pen down and closed his book, turning so he could properly face the smaller boy, who was still wearing his football sweater. The sight of him made Richie's insides tingle, but he pushed those thoughts aside. "So... what do you wanna do?", Richie continued when Eddie stayed quiet.

"I don't know, what do you want to do?", Eddie said. To be honest, he had absolutely no idea of what they  _should_ do or what was the best thing or the smartest thing to do. He only knew what he  _wanted_   to do. He knew he didn't want to leave Richie, that was for sure. And if he was being completely honest, he wanted to leave  _with_ Richie, go to the same college with him while Richie would work at some radio station and they could find some cheap place and settle down there together. That's what he wanted to do, but he didn't really think it'd be very smart since they'd been dating for only a month. Eddie felt his head pounding and he closed his eyes, rubbing the bridge of his nose. 

"I don't know", Richie said quietly, but he knew well enough. He knew senior year was when couples broke up, moved to different cities, maybe tried long-distance relationships that never worked out. He knew that, but he didn't want to accept it. He didn't want that to happen to him and Eddie, not now when they were so happy together. He had tried not to worry about it, but somehow  _future_ always found its way into his thoughts. He knew he couldn't do without Eddie now that he had just gotten him. But he didn't know in the slightest what Eddie was thinking. The smaller boy was the more rational one out of the two of them, so he probably wasn't going to suggest they eloped or some shit like that.  _Say something_ , Richie begged him silently, knowing he would follow Eddie anywhere he would decide to go. 

"I don't know either", Eddie said and crossed his arms on his chest, looking at Richie sternly. 

"Fine"

" _Fine"_

The silence grew heavier between them, the two boys were looking at each other, not wanting to break eye contact. Neither of them moved for a couple of minutes until Eddie stood up to get his aspirator from his backpack. They felt as if there was a great distance between them, even though they were only a few feet apart from each other. Eddie returned to his desk in silence, but his eyes were not as stern as they were before. 

"Maybe we should just... take a break, y'know? To think about this", Eddie said finally and for a second he could swear he saw panic flash in Richie's eyes. But whatever he thought a saw was gone as quickly as it came and Richie stood up in silence, gathered his things and left without saying a word. Eddie could hear the door slamming downstairs and he willed himself not to look outside. 

****

Eddie sighed, closing his locker with a loud noise. He had barely slept for an hour in the past few nights following his and Richie's argument, if you could really even call it that. He rubbed the bridge of his nose, willing the headache to leave him alone. When he opened his eyes again so he could go to history honors he saw someone standing right in front of him, leaning on the lockers. 

"Oh, hey Keith. Didn't see you there", Eddie said and straightened himself, unconsciously trying to make himself look taller. His sorry ass had never really grown like others had. He looked at Keith again, they had met each other when Eddie was still dating Tony, because Keith also played basketball. The taller boy was silent for a moment longer and Eddie considered just leaving then and there, but something held him back. 

"Did... did you want something?", Eddie asked shyly, not sure why his ex-boyfriends teammate was standing so uncomfortably close to him. Keith smiled then, his smile a little crooked and put his hands in his pockets. 

"You don't remember? You must've been more drunk than I thought", Keith said and chuckled lightly. Eddie probably had a very confused look on his face because Keith looked at him weirdly before continuing. "The football party? If I remember correctly you were a fine kisser", he said and winked and everything came crashing down around Eddie. It was so long ago he hadn't thought about it for  _months._ Richie was still dating Angie and Eddie had drunkenly made out with someone (someone he thought was from a different school) and then passed out in the upstairs room from where Bill and others had dragged him out. He had been so wasted he hadn't remembered a thing, but apparently someone else did remember. 

"Uhhh... thanks?", Eddie said and started to leave when Keith grabbed his hand. 

"So now that you're not dating Tony anymore, I thought you might wanna give me another shot?", Keith continued and Eddie felt a blush creeping across his cheeks. He had no idea what to say, obviously he had to turn him down but in that moment he was so shocked and embarrassed that he stuttered worse than Bill. Just a simple 'no' would do, Eddie thought, but somehow he had some trouble forming any coherent thoughts, let alone words. Keith's grip on his wrist was tighter now, and the pain of it brought Eddie back to present moment. 

"N-no th-thank y-you", Eddie said quietly, and tried to free himself from Keith's hold. Eddie stepped back, trying to get some distance between them, but Keith pulled him back where he had been, not letting go of his wrist. Eddie could almost feel a bruise forming under Keith's hand and he winced from pain. He tried to look around, but the hallways were empty because classes had already started. His head was pounding harder now, and Eddie still tried to use whatever energy he had to form an escape plan. But for the life in him he couldn't remember what class Richie had, if his school even started this early. Keith pulled him closer still and Eddie tried to resist, turning his face away from the much taller boy.  _Richie_ , he thought in panic, trying to free his hand but then Keith grabbed his other one as well, making all Eddie's futile escape plans worthless. 

"Oh come on, I know you want it", Keith said flirtatiously, his voice like dripping honey, but it made Eddie sick to his stomach. 

"I h-have a b-b-boyfriend", Eddie tried, but it was no use. Keith only laughed and forced his lips against Eddie's. The smaller boy tried to pull away, to turn his head away,  _something,_ but Keith grabbed his face and held it in place, freeing Eddie's hands. Eddie tried to push Keith away, but he didn't budge even slightly, only pushing Eddie harder against the lockers so that he felt the cool metal hard against his back, hurting him more than the new bruises on his wrists. He forced his tongue inside Eddie's mouth and the smaller boy felt like he could throw up. Then Keith forced Eddie's face to the side, pressing his mouth on his neck and biting him there, hard. Eddie felt a quiet whimper escaping his mouth which only seemed to cheer Keith on. Keith kissed him again, but the then the whole thing was over, Keith letting go of Eddie and walking away, leaving Eddie to drop on the cold floor, not able to stand. His books were scattered on the floor, but he didn't have any energy left in him to collect them. All he could do was sit there. He felt tears running down his cheeks, but all the could do was think about what Richie would do once he found out.  _He can't find out,_ Eddie thought in his panic,  _he would leave me for sure_. Eddie didn't go to his class, instead he went to the bathroom and threw up repeatedly for nearly ten minutes until there was nothing left in him. He fell on the dirty floor, germs the farthest thing in his mind, and broke down crying. 

The following days passed in a painful blur as Eddie tried to avoid his friends and most importantly, avoid Richie. Eventually he decided to skip school altogether, telling his mother he was sick, which wasn't completely untrue. He  _felt_ sick. Sick of himself because of what had happened the other day with Keith. Every time he thought about it he had to go throw up. He covered the bruises on his back and his wrists with big hoodies, but every time he saw the purple mark on his neck he felt so quilty he could feel it bubbling inside of him. He wanted to punch Keith, but he knew he was no match for him. He was also partly the reason Eddie couldn't go to school, he was afraid something like that could happen again, or something even worse. So Eddie just wrapped a scarf around his neck and went to lay down on his bed, the faint smell of cigarettes and strawberry bubblegum ( _Richie)_ still lingering on his bed. He decided to change his sheets, but not before he went to throw up again. 

Of course Richie didn't know why Eddie was suddenly avoiding him and then skipping school completely. First he thought it was because of the whole 'break' thing, but it didn't explain Eddie's other strange behavior. It didn't explain why Eddie was avoiding not only him but their other friends as well and it didn't explain why Eddie was wearing a hoodie and a scarf when it was nearly summer. Then Eddie got sick, which might explain the clothes but not the other things Richie had noticed. Eddie didn't return his calls or his texts and he didn't talk in their group chat. He didn't open the door when Bill and Stan had tried to bring him chicken soup and watch movies so Eddie wouldn't feel alone. Eddie was isolating himself and Richie had thought about the reason  _why_ so much in the past few days that he had gotten himself a nice headache. 

He was behind the school with Beverly, smoking. They always went there before and after school, just the two of them, and talked about everything. Lately they had talked about graduation and about how Beverly and Ben were planning on moving to New York and how Bev wanted to start designing clothes, which had been her dream for a while now. They talked about Richie and Eddie's issue, of how they didn't know what to do or how to even talk about it, but now they were wondering what the hell was going on with Eddie. 

"It doesn't make sense. The fight wasn't even that big or serious and he was acting fine just couple days ago", Richie said, breathing out gray smoke and putting the cigarette down for a moment, resting his hand on his thigh. Beverly didn't answer right away, she was deep in her thoughts, trying to figure out the reason behind Eddie's strange actions.

"Maybe he really is sick?", she said, not really serious with her answer. She knew, like Richie did, that there had to be more behind this. But what on earth could've happened that had sparked Eddie to cut all contact with the people he was closest to. Richie didn't respond to Beverly's suggestion, knowing that wasn't the reason. They smoked in silence for a while, Richie glancing at the clock on his wrist. Five minutes before school would start. He had algebra first, a class he shared with Eddie, so he would see immediately whether or not his boyfriend had decided to come to school that morning. He and Beverly didn't really come up with anything, so they resumed to talking about other stuff instead and then they put out their cigarettes and went their separate ways. 

In the classroom, Richie found himself staring at the empty desk next to him. He was nervously tapping his feet against the floor, his ADHD acting up again. His fingers were fidgeting so much he accidentally broke his pencil in half and he had to ask Stan to borrow him another one. He could feel his heart pounding with anxiety and he could swear it skipped a beat or two when he saw Eddie. The boy was wearing a hoodie that was way too big for him, but Richie knew it wasn't one of his. He had a thick scarf around his neck even though others were wearing only t-shirts. His skin was pale and his eyes sunken like he hadn't eaten of slept properly in days. Richie felt worry flooding his whole mind and body.  _What on earth happened?_ He thought, sure that it couldn't have been their small fight last week. Something worse had happened and Richie was going to find out what if it was the last thing he did. 

"Hey", he whispered as if talking to a frightened animal that might run away if you scared it with loud noises or sudden movements. Eddie glanced at him and flashed him a dead smile. But it was enough to show Richie the purple bruise Eddie had on his cheek, as if someone had punched him. Richie felt panic rising and he couldn't focus on anything but Eddie during the entire class. The smaller boy was purposely avoiding Richie's eyes, knowing well that Richie was going to be persistent in finding out the truth. But Eddie didn't want him to find out, he was going to grave with this. He was afraid that Richie would think he had cheated on him and that he wouldn't believe him if Eddie tried to explain that he was  _forced._ So he wouldn't tell. What Richie didn't know couldn't hurt him. Only Eddie didn't know that Richie's heart was racing with the pain of not knowing what had pushed his boyfriend a million miles away. 

As soon as the class ended Eddie rose up from his chair so quickly he almost knocked his entire desk over. Richie rushed after him and luckily he had longer legs and was able to catch up to the smaller boy easily. He grabbed Eddie's wrist but let go in panic when he heard Eddie whimpering, as if it hurt him immensely. Richie glanced down and saw the most evil looking bruise he had ever seen just in time before Eddie covered it up. 

"What happened?", Richie said, almost screaming. Eddie only shook his head and backed away from Richie. But the other boy wasn't going to give up that easily. He grabbed Eddie's shoulders and shook him, not caring about being gentle. "Tell me!", he yelled and saw tears forming in Eddie's eyes, so he let him go. They stood there then, people passing all around them, sometimes bumping into them as well. So Richie sighed and took Eddie by the arm, careful so he wouldn't touch his wrists, and led him to a nearby bathroom, closing the door behind them. Eddie stood there in the middle of the small room, quietly and so Richie walked up to him and pulled his sleeves up, revealing bruises that were so deep blue and purple it was no wonder Eddie almost cried out in pain when Richie touched him. 

No words passed between them and so Richie touched the bruise on Eddie's right cheek, gently. Eddie looked away as if in shame and backed away when Richie came closer, trying to grab his scarf. 

"No", Eddie said, nothing more than a whisper, but Richie heard him. But if Eddie wasn't going to tell him what was wrong he wasn't just going to stand by and watch him suffer and isolate himself. So Richie stayed within arm's reach of Eddie, not daring to get closer and pulled his scarf off to reveal a hickey on his neck. Richie gasped, but didn't move away. He tried to touch Eddie's neck, but the smaller boy slapped his hand away, shame so clear in his face it hurt Richie. 

"Who did this?", Richie asked, knowing that the bruises on Eddie's wrists and cheek told the truth of what had happened: it wasn't voluntary. Anger was boiling inside of him, but he tried to control it so he wouldn't scare Eddie. He wasn't mad at Eddie in the slightest, but somehow Eddie thought he was. Eddie didn't meet his eyes, only shaking his head. Eddie was afraid that if he told it was Keith then Richie would try to beat him up and get beaten up instead. Richie was tall and strong but he was weaker than Keith. Eddie didn't want Richie to get into trouble, but Richie had already decided that he was going to  _murder_ the person who had hurt Eddie.  _His_ _Eddie._

"Who did this?", Richie asked again, more loudly this time. Eddie looked at him and the absolute fury he saw in Richie's eyes didn't scare him like it probably should've. Then he realised that Richie wasn't mad at him. He knew. Somehow he knew that Eddie didn't cheat on him. The realisation of it made Eddie let out a breath he felt as though he had been holding in for days. He whispered the name, but Richie didn't storm out like Eddie thought he would've. Instead Richie rushed to Eddie and wrapped his arms around him and Eddie broke down then. He could feel the bruises on his back aching, but he didn't care. Richie didn't hate him or blame him for what had happened and all at once Eddie felt  _safe_ and  _loved_. 

After some time had passed Eddie pulled away from Richie and nodded at him, as if he was giving him permission and maybe he did. Richie left silently, but Eddie stayed behind, wrapping the scarf around his neck again. Then he left just in time for lunch break. Without realising it, he and Richie had been in that bathroom for almost an hour and a half. Eddie chuckled lightly as he made his way toward his other friends already sitting in the cafeteria. They all looked surprised when Eddie sat down, but none of them questioned him. They all figured that Richie must've done something right for once in his life and gotten Eddie to open up. So Eddie ate while listening to Bill argue with Mike over which Star Wars move was the best while Ben, Beverly and Stan were in a heated debate over the most popular food in America. After their arguments had already died down they all saw Richie walk toward them, his nose bleeding, his left eye completely purple with a small cut on his eyebrow. He sat down and gently brushed Eddie's arm, and the smaller boy beamed at him, though it probably wasn't good to encourage Richie to beat up other people. 

"Thanks", Eddie said and Richie smiled at him. 

"Anytime, babe", Richie responded while the other losers looked at them in utter confusion. 

"What the hell is going on?", Mike asked and Eddie and Richie glanced at each other, as if a telepathic conversation had passed between them. So Richie only turned to Mike and shrugged, as if he had no idea what he was talking about. Eddie was smiling properly for the first time in days and that seemed to be all that mattered so they all resumed to their eating and regular talking. They pretended not to notice Richie's and Eddie's intertwined legs under the table or Richie gently drawing small circles on Eddie's hand. All seemed to be well until they heard the announcement on the school radio.

_"Richard Tozier and Keith Fraiser please report to principal's office immediately"_

They all turned to look at Richie, who had a shit eating grin on his face as he stood up and left the cafeteria. Only twenty minutes passed until another announcement came, draining every drop of blood from Eddie's face.

_"Edward Kaspbrak please report to principal's office immediately"_

The other losers looked at him now and saw the fresh horror on his face. So they all stood up and left, a silent agreement between them. They had all been friends for years and no words were needed from Eddie, the fear in his eyes the only thing the others needed as a reason to walk him to the principal's office. They even knocked on the office door for him, but they didn't need to go inside, because they knew Richie was there and if his bruised face was any indication, he wasn't going to let anyone come near Eddie. So the losers sat down on the bench next to the door and waited as Eddie stepped inside the office and closed the door behind him.

Eddie was glad to see that Keith's face was at least ten times worse than Richie's. His both eyes were nearly swollen shut, his nose was clearly broken and his lip was cut and apparently at least one of his teeth was missing. Eddie didn't dare to smile as he sat next to Richie on the empty chair, and the wave of nausea that had hit him as soon as he saw Keith's face faded when Richie took his hand and squeezed it reassuringly.

"So... Richard here says that he  _had_ to attack Keith and I quote 'smash his ugly ass fucking face in" because he apparently attacked you, Edward. Is this true?", the principal asked in a calm voice and looked at Eddie sternly. Eddie didn't want to speak, so he only nodded and as the principal was opening her mouth again to speak, Eddie rose and pulled up his sleeves to reveal the bruises on his wrists. Then he pulled off his scarf and turned his head so the principal could see the bruise on his neck and his cheek. 

"I have more on my back if you need to see more", was all he said and then he sat back down. The principal only nodded and asked him to leave so he could talk to the actual culprits. So Eddie left and was glad to see his friends waiting for him.

"You probably heard that", he said, all of his bruises completely visible. He hadn't bothered to cover them up since he knew that if his friends were still outside the room they would hear every word. They all sat down to wait for Richie, Beverly rubbing Eddie's back reassuringly. Almost half an hour passed before Richie stepped outside, Keith following suit. Eddie stood up then and rushed to Richie while the others stared Keith with murder in their eyes as he hurried out of the teachers' lounge. 

"Well?", Eddie asked Richie and the other losers turned to look at him as well.

"Detention, but the Fraser fucker got suspended for two weeks", Richie said and high fived Bill, Stan and Beverly. Eddie kissed his cheek and they walked out hand in hand. 

Later on the same day, Richie drove Eddie home, even though he insisted he could just walk, but Richie was hearing none of it. He intended to nurse his boyfriend back to health and so he drove to Eddie's place. 

"Can we go to your place?", Eddie asked shyly, looking at his mom's car on their driveway and eyeing the windows, making sure his mom wasn't spying on him again.

"Why? I've been to your place before and your mom  _loves_ me", Richie said with a wink and poked Eddie's arm with his elbow, but the smaller boy didn't pay attention to Richie's mom joke.

"Yeah, but we weren't dating then. You know my room doesn't have a lock and... you know how my mom is. She would send me to shocktherapy in a second if she finds out I'm gay", Eddie said, and Richie only shrugged, driving away. Of course he knew that Eddie's mom was slightly homophobic, but he always figured that mother's love would somehow overcome her and she would accept her son. But based on Eddie's tone he had quite overestimated her. She would probably be convinced that Eddie was mentally ill and God knows what she would do then. So Richie didn't press the matter and so they drove to Richie's house instead. Richie's mom was sitting on the porch, smoking. She wasn't surprised to see Eddie get out of her son's car, those two had been inseparable lately. She of course didn't know what those boys really did behind closed doors and she didn't care either. Some days she could barely remember that she had a son to begin with. 

"Don't trash the whole house, boys", she said as the two boys passed her on their way inside.

"We'll be good", Richie said, but Eddie heard the hidden tone in his words and felt something else as well when Richie was close behind him when they walked inside the house. 

Eddie felt it again when he pressed Richie against the wall, both of their shirts on the floor. His lips were pressed on Richie's neck and the other boy tried to clutch him as close as he could. Eddie was sucking Richie's earlobe and his neck, pressing kisses all over him. Richie was much too impatient and switched their positions so that Eddie was against the wall, a small grunt escaping Eddie's lips as the bruises on his back ached. But he didn't mind and so they kissed again, Eddie running his fingers through Richie's already messy hair and made it messier still. Richie pulled away and Eddie saw him studying the purple bruise on his neck. Eddie tried to tell him it was okay, it was  _okay_ but Richie didn't pay his words any attention. He only pressed his lips on it, and  _bit_ him. Eddie let out a small 'ow', but Richie didn't pull away. It was as if he was determined to cover the hickey Keith had left with another hickey of his own making. Eddie didn't see any logic in it, but he couldn't say that he minded much. After a while Richie kissed Eddie again and then kissed his way to Eddie's ear, sucked on his earlobe and whispered in a husky voice

_"Mine"._

Richie turned to look at him then, wanting to see his reaction. Eddie had to be honest, he had never heard anything hotter in his entire life and so he pulled Richie in for another kiss, his other hand in his hair, other on his thigh. Soon,  _too soon_ , Richie pulled away, winked at Eddie and then kneeled. 

Afterwards they were lying on Richie's bed, fully clothed this time. They were smoking grass, something Eddie loved to do nevermind his asthma or other 'illnesses' as his mother would say. They were side by side, blowing smoke out of their mouths, sharing some kisses every now and then. 

"Why'd you do that?", Eddie asked after he had passed the pot to Richie. He turned his head so he could see his face properly. They were on their backs, heads right next to each other. 

"Do what?", Richie asked, blowing out smoke.

"Bite my neck like that"

"Oh", Richie said, turning on his side so he could face Eddie with a smirk on his face, "I  _claimed_ you", he finished and Eddie blushed, but smiled nevertheless. He kissed Richie, but had to stop because his smile was so wide he couldn't even move his lips. His whole face was flushed, partly because of the blushing, partly because of the pot. He giggled a little bit and Richie joined him.

"I look like a mess, I probably have to stay the night so my mom won't see me", Eddie said, still giggling. Richie's face was serious then, and it scared Eddie a little bit, because Richie was serious very rarely.

"You look perfect", he said and kissed the tip of Eddie's nose.

"You're such a sap sometimes, you know that?", Eddie said, smiling.

"True. But I will deny it if you ever tell someone", he said with a smirk, "no one will ever believe you  _Edward"_ , he finished. Eddie knew he was right, not that he was planning on telling anyone about what they did after school almost everyday, but still. Richie tried to tell some awful joke but Eddie threw a pillow at his face before he got to finish. 

"I wish I didn't ever have to go home", Eddie said absently, without any meaning really, but Richie almost jumped at his words, turning his head so he could see Eddie amidst the smoke. 

"Then don't", he said with an alarmingly serious tone. Eddie rose up, sitting now, so he could see if Richie was serious or not. He had a habit of turning everything into a joke, but based on his expression this wasn't one of those times. 

"What are you saying?", Eddie asked cautiously, not even sure if he wanted to find out what crazy idea Richie had gotten this time. 

"I wanna sleep next to you. Eat breakfast with you. I wanna be close to you all the time, I wanna come home to you", was all Richie said as he rose up as well. He pulled Eddie into his lap and kissed the corner of his mouth. "Move in with me"

"Here? You're crazy"

"Not here obviously. I wanna be able to fuck you as loudly as I want", Richie said, making Eddie blush furiously, "we'll get our own place".

"You're insane", Eddie said, "we've only been dating for like a month"

"So? It's not like we  _met_ a month ago. We've been friends for like, eight years" Richie was very convincing, though Eddie was sure the fact that they were both high on some level had something to do with that. But he had thought about it before. He had thought about it a lot actually. They were graduating in like two months so Eddie had been thinking about what came after. He could feel Richie's heart pounding against his chest, steadily. And so they made their choice, then and there. 

****

They were surrounded by boxes in an otherwise empty apartment. They had ordered pizza and were sitting on the floor, eating in candlelight. Richie had joked that he had finally taken Eddie to that romantic dinner he had always wanted. The truth was different, their electricity didn't work just yet, even though they had bought the place couple months ago, so they had to invest in some candles, although Richie had insisted that they could burn his old crayons instead. "Why the fuck do you have old crayons with you?", Eddie had asked then, but Richie only laughed. They had moved in right after their graduation, which had been last week, and they hadn't regretted their decision yet.

Eddie's old radio was faintly playing some old mixtapes in the background. Richie recognized some of them, because he used to make Eddie mixtapes for his birthdays when they were younger. He didn't point it out, not able to force word out his mouth, his heart lodged in his throat. He couldn't believe he had made it so far in life, he thought, remembering the abuse of his father and the neglect of his mother. Richie had, for as long as he could remember, felt as though he didn't deserve love or affection. He had been deprived of it his whole life and now he had more than a person could ask for. Not only did he have six amazing friends, but he had also been blessed with a person who  _loved_ him. Who  _truly_ loved him. Richie didn't notice he had stopped eating, focusing only on Eddie. In the way his dark hair refused to lay flat on the back of his neck, in the way his t-shirt reached all the way to his knees. He adored the small cuts Eddie had on his right arm, memory of the time he had broken it when they were kids. Richie noticed the freckles that were splattered across his cheeks, even in the dim candlelight, he could see them. Hell, Richie could draw a map of those freckles, so many times he found himself looking at their pattern. Richie saw the grass stains on Eddie's shirt from the time they had laid in the grass after Richie had asked him to prom. He could hear Eddie speaking, but he couldn't make himself listen. He felt as though he was out of breath, drained of all energy from looking at Eddie for so long. It was an unusual feeling for him, he felt so _alive_ and like he was dying at the same time. As if he was going to die any second and he had to look at the boy sitting in front of him for as long as he could. He felt as if he had to learn every detail of him, every mark on his body, every cut in his soul. He knew what the feeling was, but he was afraid to think it. He remembered the time he had said it out loud, under the lamppost on the football field. Richie hadn't dared to say it since, even though he knew Eddie felt the same for him. Richie didn't feel the tear running down his cheek until he heard his breath hitch and when he saw Eddie look up at him with panic in his eyes. It was all that Richie could think of in that moment, Eddie rushing to his side, and all the could see were those beautiful eyes. 

"Richie are you alright? What's wrong?", Eddie said, his whole body tense, wrapping his arms around Richie. He stroked his cheek and wiped away the tears, fighting to stay calm. 

"I don't deserve this", Richie whispered, barely audible. Eddie practically wrapped his whole body around Richie, burying Richie's head in the crook of his neck, comforting him with his best ability.

"What do you mean? I don't understand Richie", Eddie said, trying to keep panic out of his voice. 

"I don't deserve  _you,_ I don't deserve to be  _happy_ ", Richie said, his words filled with venom that was burning Eddie. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. Richie of all people deserved a safe home and unconditional love, so what was this about? Eddie couldn't understand and he was anxious, he had never seen Richie cry before. It was odd, but in that moment Eddie realised for the first time he had never actually seen Richie cry. Not when he showed up to school covered in bruises, not when he asked to stay at Eddie's for a while, afraid to go home. Not even when the Bowers' gang harassed him or beat him up. Not even when Keith had hurt Eddie.

"Don't say that", Eddie whispered under his breath, his fingers running through Richie's unruly hair, his other hand slowly stroking his back. They sat like that for awhile, legs all tangled up, hugging each other with all the love they had. Eddie cupped Richie's face with his hands, looking straight into his dark eyes. For awhile he didn't know what to say, but then he started singing, slowly, carefully. The song was on one of the mixtapes and Eddie remembered that it was his 14th birthday when Richie had given it to him.

"... _This much I know is true, that God blessed the broken road that led me straight to_ _you..._ "

For a moment Eddie thought that Richie hadn't even heard him, that's how quietly he sang. But Richie met his gaze, and Eddie pulled him up on his feet. He wrapped his arms around Richie and felt him do the same. They started swaying to the tune of the quiet music of the radio, both singing more loudly now. 

"... _But you just smile and take my hand, you've been there you understand, it's all part of a grander plan that is coming true..."_

It would've been a silly sight, for sure, two men dancing in candlelight in their pyjamas, surrounded by cheap pizza and brown boxes. But for the two of them it was perfect. They found comfort in each other's arms, dancing in the dark. Richie laughed as he twirled Eddie around, making the smaller boy giggle. They had both been through much in their lives but in that moment they found peace within each other. 

"... _others who broke my heart they were like northern stars, pointing me on my way to your loving arms..."_

Eddie thought of all the years he spent pining after Richie, feeling sort of funny now that he had all he had ever wanted. There he was, dancing with the man of his dreams in their own home. It was strange, the way their lives had intertwined a long time ago, Eddie could barely remember it, but he knew it had been Bill who introduced them and that Richie had immediately pinched Eddie's cheeks and called him cute. Eddie was very fond of the memory, but also of all the memories he had of Richie calling him names, tickling him or otherwise annoying him throughout all the years they had known each other. Eddie couldn't pinpoint the exact moment he had realised what he really felt for Richie, but he couldn't remember the time he didn't love him, either. If he had to guess the moment it dawned on him, he would say it was one night in late fall when Richie had climbed on his roof and knocked on his window and when Eddie let him in he realised he was all bloody and bruised, most likely the courtesy of his father. So Eddie had made him tea and stitched him up. He would say it was in that moment, when he was cleaning the wounds on Richie's back (his father's belt most likely) when he was overcome with the desire to kiss him. They had been fourteen or thirteen, Eddie couldn't remember for sure, but it was around those times when Eddie realised he loved his annoying friend Richie Tozier. It had been hard for him to be around Richie after that, mostly because he wanted nothing but to kiss him, hug him and hold his hand. It had been a foreign feeling for young Eddie, a feeling that had accompanied him throughout the rest of his life. 

"... _I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you, that every long lost dream lead me to where you are..."_

"You're wrong", Eddie whispered, long after they had stopped dancing and were just standing there, clutching each other with an almost desperate need to be closer. 

"What?", Richie asked, opening his eyes to look at Eddie, to determine the quizzical expression on his face. 

"You do deserve to be happy" 


	7. Chapter 7

**_august_ **

"Eddie get in the cart"

"What?", Eddie asked, turning around to face a very excited Richie with one of those carts they have at IKEA. He looked at him with confusion, still holding the candle he had been looking at. 

"Get in the cart", Richie said, winking. People were passing all around them, some shooting weird glances in their direction. It was a somewhat rare sight, two grown ass men shopping in IKEA while the other was trying to get his partner to sit in the goddamn shopping cart. They argued about it for like fifteen minutes before Eddie finally gave up and climbed inside the cart with the candle. He was going to regret it, because Richie (with his poor impulse control) was like a child in a candy shop, grabbing everything that looked even remotely interesting and throwing it in Eddie's lap. Then he refused to stop the cart so that Eddie could put the stuff back ("Richie we don't need these pots, put them back") and he only pushed the cart faster whenever Eddie tried to climb out. 

"Richie for the love of god we don't need 12 pairs of scissors!", Eddie was getting frustrated now. Stan had warned him to never go shopping with Richie and Eddie was now silently cursing himself for not taking his advice seriously. 

"But I want one in every color", Richie said, finally stopping the cart, mostly because Eddie was looking real pissed and Richie was scared he would soon start blackmailing him. And Richie didn't want that because Eddie always won those battles. 

"Richie I will  _end_ you", Eddie said as he had successfully climbed out and put back all the useless stuff Richie had taken. Sometimes Eddie felt like he was babysitting a two-year-old. He turned to face Richie, rolling his eyes as his boyfriend tried to manipulate himself out of trouble with his puppy-dog-eyes, but in the end they both knew Eddie couldn't resist Richie. Not even a little bit. So they continued on their way, hands clasped together, Eddie's head resting comfortably on Richie's shoulder. 

Their friends had previously wondered why they were only now going shopping for furniture. "Haven't you guys lived here for like almost a year now?", Bill had asked them when he was visiting them one time. The losers used to visit them a lot more, but now they were almost grownups, all with their own lives and separate futures. They had scattered all across the country and so their visits became less and less frequent. Now they only skyped sometimes, trying very hard to keep in touch. Bill was living the closest to them so he often came for visits. 

"Sure, but we're broke as hell. It took some time to save enough money", Eddie had explained to him, also telling how they had gone by with their old furniture from their old houses. "We pushed our beds together and my desk is now our dining table, Richie's old TV is right there, though his old couch we threw out", Eddie continued, pointing at all the furniture he mentioned. "You mean the one you  _made_ me throw out", Richie whispered under his breath so only Bill could hear him. The redhead chuckled lightly, he could see how happy those two idiots were together. They had feared that they were moving too fast when they had first told the losers that they were moving in together. Bev and Bill had been the most worried, probably because they had been so invested in getting those two together in the first place. They had only dated for a month, but apparently it all worked out. Watching Eddie and Richie bicker at each other made Bill really believe that some things were just meant to be. His thoughts on that were all but confirmed when Eddie had showed him the scrapbook he had been making for Richie's 21st birthday one time when they were skyping. Bill could see how in love they were, still. They had been together for little over a year at that point, and had just celebrated their first anniversary. Bill remembered Eddie telling him about it afterwards on the phone, the two of them gossiping like teenage girls. Bill never knew Richie could be such a romantic and Eddie laughed, telling him that it was a little known side of him.

"Richie I swear to God-", Eddie started, but was cut off by Richie, who had successfully thrown yet another meatball at Eddie's face. So Eddie took a deep breath and threw three meatballs at Richie, one right after the other. They all hit him too, one hitting Richie's glasses and making them so greasy he had to take them off, because he couldn't see anything but meatball grease. Eddie took advantage of his weakness and threw another three at Richie. 

"All right, all right I surrender!", Richie wailed, raising his hands in the air like the drama queen he is as Eddie smirked at him, glad over his victory. Other people in the small IKEA restaurant were looking at them all weird, but the two boys couldn't see anything but the other, so blinded by their joy.

**_december_ **

It was snowing that day and the clock hadn't even struck eight in the morning when the two boys were already outside, throwing snowballs at each other. Richie was currently winning and Eddie kept saying it was only because he played sports, but the truth was most likely that Eddie couldn't see anything behind his two scarfs, swallowing him whole. Eddie was making another snowball between his gloved fingers and he was already aiming it in his mind, hoping to hit Richie square in the face. He had just ducked Richie's snowball when he threw his, hoping the bright sun would blind Richie enough so that he wouldn't be able to duck. Eddie's ball hits Richie only on his shoulder, but he still counted it as a small victory. Eddie's laughter dies quickly however, when Richie runs toward him, tackling him on the thick layer of snow. Eddie tries to mumble something along the lines of "get off me Trashmouth", but before he can do so much as open his mouth, he is already attacked with showers of kisses from Richie. The dark-haired boy kisses him on the tip of his red nose, on his forehead, on both of his flushed cheeks before finally finding his lips. So their early morning snowball fight ends mostly in a tie, Eddie and Richie lying on the snow, kissing each other breathless. 

"Did you want whipped cream on this or not?", Richie piped from the kitchen. They had gone inside when Eddie started ranting about hypothermia and changed into some warm clothes. Eddie was wearing Richie's old football sweatshirt, and Richie was wearing the ugliest woolly sweater on the whole planet. Richie loved it though, because Eddie had knitted it for him for their first christmas together as a couple. Richie wore it almost every day, even though Eddie insisted that he didn't have to, but he did anyway, telling him every time how much he loved it. Richie had once only half-jokingly told Eddie to bury him in it. Eddie had blushed then, secretly relieved and happy that Richie loved the ugly sweater. 

"No", Eddie yelled back, not looking up from his crossword puzzle. 

"Too late", Richie said with an apologetic smile as he came into the small living room, carrying two mugs of hot chocolate. Eddie rolled his eyes, not very surprised because Richie had some trouble paying attention or remembering stuff. As an apology Richie kissed Eddie after he had set the mugs on the table, running his hands through his hair. Eddie loved when he did that, and he always let Richie know as well. The smaller boy pulled Richie onto his lap and they kissed each other breathless, Eddie even giving Richie some hickeys down his neck and couple across his collarbones. They were so in love, it was obvious. Everyone on Eddie's campus knew of his boyfriend as well, the one with messy curls, shredded jeans and a devilish grin. It had come as a somewhat of a shock when Eddie's college friends had found out that he was dating a  _guy._ From the outside, Eddie looked like the kind of guy who went to Sunday church, never wore anything messy and always had neatly brushed hair. So obviously his new friends had thought that he was dating some girl on the church choir who wore nothing but dresses and skirts with little flowers on them. So yes, it had been a shock when Eddie had introduced Richie, mostly because he was the absolute opposite of what they had imagined as Eddie's special someone. But after they had seen how lovestruck those two actually were, they didn't question it. 

"I hate you", Eddie whispered as Richie pulled away from him, both gasping for air. Richie only smirked and pulled Eddie in for another haste kiss. 

"I hate you too", he whispered, lips still on Eddie's and kissed him again before the smaller boy could say something witty in return. 

**_april_ **

There they were again. Those two lovey-dovey idiots. Sara had the morning shift on that particular Tuesday and so she was there yet again to take coffee orders from the annoyingly loud curly-haired boy while the quieter one sat down by the corner table, the very same one they sat in every time they came. Sara had seen her manager even put a 'reserved' sign on it couple of times so that their regulars could sit in it. Nevermind how obnoxiously loud they often were, bickering like couple of schoolkids, she had to admit that they were her favorite customers. 

"Hey Richie, another iced coffee and a green tea with no sugar but a spoonful of honey?", she asked as the taller boy approached the counter.

"Oh, you know me so well", Richie said with a wink and leaned on the counter almost seductively. The first couple of times the dark haired boy had come in their shop Sara had been sure he had a crush on one of the baristas because he did exactly what he did then: leaned on the counter, winked and talked with a voice so sweet it could make you taste sugar in your mouth. She had almost written her own number on his order one time, but it was just that time that she realised the two boys were more than just friends. And how obviously and almost sickeningly in love they had been. They walked hand in hand, shared lazy kisses and dovey looks across the table, legs intertwined under it. They had been loud when they came in, but as soon as they sat down in their table, they became more quiet. They talked in hushed tones with quiet laughter and sweet smiles. 

Sara winked at her favorite customer and began making their order, glancing at the boy couple of times. He had moved to the side where your order comes in once it's ready, but he wasn't paying any attention and didn't notice when Sara put his order on the counter right in front of his nose. The coffee shop was quiet in the early morning, so it wasn't like he hadn't heard her, it was just that he was blinded to everything else but the smaller boy. Sara turned to look where he was looking and saw the quiet boy sitting by the table, playing on his phone. He was smiling a little bit and when Sara turned to look at Richie she could swear she had never seen love quite like that before, where you could see nothing but each other, hear nothing but each other's voices, feel nothing but each other's touch. 

"Where can I find love like yours?", she asked quietly, thinking out loud. Richie snapped back to reality and saw his order on the counter where Sara was now leaning on, resting her chin on her hand, looking at Eddie. She turned to look at Richie, waiting for some sort of answer, maybe even an adorably cute 'how we met' story. But Richie didn't say anything, only chuckled lightly. To be honest, he didn't know. He didn't know what he had done to deserve Eddie, to deserve his endless love. 

"I have no idea", he said, taking the mugs and walked towards the table, earning a wide smile from his boyfriend as he set the mugs down. She sighed, watching as the two took each other's hands and shared a kiss across the table. 

Sara took some more orders from other customers before her coworker walked in. Sara waved at him as he walked behind the counter. 

"Those two are here again", Marcus said and Sara sighed. 

"They're so adorable it makes me want to punch something", she said, chuckling lightly.

"Their undying love makes us single people very sad", Marcus said and they laughed together at that. They had been betting how long it would take until those two showed up with rings on their fingers and so far they had all guessed wrong. 

"I suppose there's no ring yet, either", Marcus asked, but Sara only shook her head, unable to tear her eyes away from the two. She twirled her blonde hair around her fingers, an unconscious habit. There were currently only three other customers there, so the two of them had plenty of time to gossip about the happy couple. 

"Well, last time I bet three months, do you think I should bet more or less? 'Cause I'm thinking it's gonna happen soon", Marcus asked while putting on his red apron. Sara shrugged, still not able to look away. "I don't know about you, but I give them two weeks, no less. It's gonna happen", he continued.

"We don't even know how long they've been dating", Sara said, finally turning to face Marcus.

"Ann said she asked them the other week and apparently they've been together for like a year, but get this: they're childhood friends", Marcus said, winking at the last part.

"Oh that is so adorable!", Sara exclaimed, her hands on her heart. They turned to look at the couple again, only to find their table empty. They sighed, reluctantly returning to their work. Sara turned the radio louder and so they wiped tables and counters listening to some love song. 

**_june_ **

"I miss you", Eddie whispered and heard Richie return the sentiment on the other end of the phone. "You know, I accidentally made you coffee this morning, but then I remembered you weren't here", he continued, hearing Richie wailing on the other end, wondering how he got so lucky to have the cutest boyfriend in the world. 

"When are you gonna get back? The girls in the coffeeshop thought we had broken up", Eddie said and heard Richie laugh, "I had to tell them that you're on a trip, you should've seen how relieved they were then", he said and smiled at the memory. He poured the boiling water into his favorite mug and dipped the teabag in as well. He stirred it a couple of times, watching as the swirling honey melted.

_"I'm guessing another week and then I'll fly home, Eds"_

"Do not call me that,  _Richard_ , you know I hate it", Eddie sighed, moving the phone to his other ear so he could better carry his tea into the livingroom.

_"You love it"_

 "I do not", Eddie insisted, even though they both knew he was lying. Richie had been working as a DJ and a host on a small radio station and now he was on his first (out of many) work trips. He had been very excited even though it meant that he had to be apart from Eddie for a week. Richie had joked that he better not find their hot neighbor in bed with Eddie when he returned and Eddie had tried to smack him for even suggesting such a thing.

The trip that was going to last only for a week had lasted for nearly three weeks and Eddie was really starting to miss his idiot of a boyfriend. He hated how the other side of the bed was always ice cold. He hated going to their coffee shop alone. He hated how Richie's smell had faded from the apartment. He hated when he had to wake up alone and he hated how he had to come home to an empty apartment. But most of all he hated how much he missed Richie. Eddie had never wanted to be one of those clingy boyfriends, but he hated feeling so alone now that he had gotten used to company. 

_"I miss you too"_

Eddie sighed. They were silent for a while, but then Richie started telling about his day and a small smile crept on Eddie's lips. Richie talked of the summer weather, of the girl that tried to hit on him, of his loud neighbors, of the amazing view in his hotel room, of how he couldn't make coffee as good as Eddie could, of how he missed him. And Eddie could've sat there on the couch for all eternity listening to Richie's voice telling him how much he loved him.  _I love you too_ , but the words got stuck in his throat.  _But don't worry,_ Eddie thought,  _I'll whisper them to you when I'll see you again_. 

Then Eddie told Richie of his day. He told of the blazing sun that woke him up at ungodly hours, he told of how he heard Africa play on the radio, of how he had started to make his scrapbook again, of how he had bought his new school books, of how he had talked with Bill and his new girlfriend Audra, he told Richie how much Audra reminded him of Beverly but he didn't tell him how much he missed him. He didn't tell him how he missed his wicked grin or messy hair. He didn't tell him how he had worn Richie's old football sweater and refused to take it off, he didn't tell him how his heart broke when Richie wasn't there to hold him when he cried or how he had to make his own morning tea. Eddie had never realised how hard it was to be alone after you had gotten used to being together. But he said nothing of his pain to Richie. 

_"Wait for me a little while longer, Eds"_

"Don't call me Eds"

_"You should be used to me calling you that by now"_

Then silence.

"Come home soon, okay?"

_"I'm counting seconds"_

"You're such a sap sometimes Richie"

 _"Only for you"_  

**_october_ **

"You're driving me fucking crazy"

 _"Good",_ Eddie growled in return, pushing Richie onto the bed. He attacked him with more kisses, holding Richie's hands down, moving his lips along his neck. Richie was moaning uncontrollably and Eddie was showing no signs of slowing down. Richie's entire back was covered with scratches and bruises, he could almost feel the blood dripping down his back, and he was certain he was going to walk with a limp for the next two weeks. When he met Eddie's gaze, he could swear he saw pure  _fury_ in his dark eyes, pupils blown so that you could see nothing but  _black._

Eddie tugged at Richie's hair, running his fingers through it, very well aware how it made Richie  _beg._ And that was exactly what Eddie was looking for. He wanted to make Richie beg, and he wasn't going to stop teasing him until he did. He pulled Richie up to meet his kiss, but he didn't give him much more than a haste peck on his swollen lips. Eddie bit Richie's lower lip, pulling it just enough to see pain flash in his eyes, but not too much so it didn't mess with the frenzy of pleasure that was driving Richie to the edge of his sanity. 

Eddie reached for the drug still on their nightstand and took a few puffs, blowing the smoke out and kissed Richie. He could feel Richie's hands roaming his body, and he knew exactly what to do to get what he wanted. So he ran his hands along Richie's thighs, kissing his neck and gently biting it, feeling how Richie's nails dug deep into his back, relishing in the pain of it. 

 _"Have some mercy on me",_ Richie whispered, barely audible and Eddie met his eyes with a wicked smirk. He kissed Richie again then, and let his hands find their way across his body. Richie's mouth opened in an articulate cry, his whole body trembling to its tune. Eddie had a victorious smile then, and he stood up, leaving Richie alone in their bed. He put on his boxers and shirt, finding them easily among the mess of clothes thrown hastily on the floor, almost ripped off. He walked to their small kitchen and put water boiling for his tea and started to make coffee for Richie. It was Sunday and it was raining outside so the two boys had decided to stay inside. It hadn't been hard to decide what they wanted to do. 

Soon Eddie heard Richie rise up from the bed as well and he smiled when he heard how badly he was limping across the living room. Then he felt his warm arms around his waist, his head resting on his shoulder. Richie had only wrapped a warm blanket around himself, simply too lazy to put on any actual clothing.

"You look adorable", Richie whispered, hugging Eddie more tightly. 

"How would you know? You're not wearing your glasses", Eddie said, laughing at his own remark. He took the kettle off the stove, pouring the boiling water into a mug. Then he turned off the coffeemaker and turned around to face Richie. 

"I don't need my glasses because I'm absolutely certain that you look adorable as always", he said and pinched Eddie's cheek, something he had done since the day they had met each other. 

"You really know how to make a man blush", Eddie said and pressed a kiss on the corner of Richie's mouth. Eddie admired how swollen and red Richie's lips were, slightly torn from all the biting and tugging as well. But Richie didn't seem to mind. 

"Mmhm", Richie hummed against Eddie's lips, pressing small kisses on his cheeks and across his forehead. Eddie put his arms around Richie's waist, under the warm blanket and traced his fingers up his back, feeling the fresh marks there, feeling somewhat proud of himself. 

"Do they hurt?", he asked after a while, looking for signs of pain on Richie's face when he ran his fingers along his spine. 

"A little", Richie said and Eddie felt a little guilty until Richie continued, "but it's good kind of hurt".

**_january_ **

Everything is gray. Eddie is lying on the bed, trying his very hardest to focus on the medical book before him, but his attention somehow always drifts to Richie, who is sitting outside on the fire escape, smoking. The sky outside is gray, snow falling slowly from the sky, covering Richie's thighs in a thin layer of whiteness, but he doesn't seem to mind. Richie blows smoke into the air, making it look a darker shade of gray. Eddie can hear car horns outside and he wishes Richie would close the window, mostly because he hates when the smoke creeps into their apartment. Eddie hates the smell of cigarettes, but he is sure he would love their taste, since he always loves kissing it off of Richie's tongue. 

Finally the brisk winter air becomes unbearably cold for Richie and he has to climb inside through the small window. They used to keep plants under it, but soon noticed how difficult it was when Richie kept knocking them down after every single smoke break. Eddie tears his eyes away from Richie and tries to focus on his work again, but silently decides to start studying in a library instead. Right now he can only focus on watching as Richie started making them lunch, probably lasagna again since it was basically the only thing Richie had ever learned to make. Not that Eddie was much better with cooking. They had agreed that Richie cooks and Eddie washes the dishes, it worked better that way since Eddie had a habit of burning every dish he tried to make and Richie was exceptionally good at dropping plates and mugs.

"Eds where the fuck did you hide the plates this time?", Richie piped from the kitchen, looking frantically all over the kitchen for some goddamn plates.

"They're in the dishwasher, dumbass", Eddie said with a light chuckle.

"Since when did we have a fucking dishwasher?", Richie answered, seemingly very confused.

"Since when I bought us one", Eddie said, rising from the bed so he could help his useless boyfriend. "But since you always leave your dishes all over the place, I'm not surprised that you don't know about it", Eddie continued, leaning on the kitchen doorframe. Richie turns around, slowly and studies Eddie for a second before answering.

"That's how you wanna play this? Alright", he says with a smug grin on his face. Eddie raises his eyebrows as if daring Richie to go on. "You always leave your clothes everywhere and you never do the laundry even if I ask you to"

"Oh that's just bullshit! I do laundry more than you!", Eddie yells, shoving Richie lightly. The taller boy raises his eyebrows as if to say  _ 'oh really?' _ and steps closer to Eddie so that they're mere inches apart.

"That's not gonna work this time", Eddie says quietly, well aware of the tactic Richie uses whenever he's losing in an argument. They stare into each other's eyes, Richie trying his very hardest to win and Eddie holding his ground, determined not to let Richie win this time. 

"This works every time", Richie responds with a sultry voice and Eddie can almost feel himself swooning. No wonder all the girls tried to hit on Richie whenever they went to a bar. He was very hard to resist. One time they had been celebrating Richie's new job at another radio station in a bar not very far from their apartment and they had barely stepped inside when a group of girls attacked Richie like piranhas. Of course Eddie had been jealous, mostly because the girls reminded him of Richie's old girlfriends in high school. Eddie had been sulking for almost the whole evening until Richie finally won him over. And with the same tactic Richie won Eddie over this time as well, like he always did. They kissed, Eddie pressed against the doorframe until Richie had to resume to his cooking and Eddie went back to his studies. 

**_may_ **

Richie can almost feel tears forming in his eyes. Mostly because he doesn't seem to remember to blink, but also for the obvious reasons. He feels Stan's comforting hand on his shoulder, telling him to say strong. They are all there, together, for the first time in years and Richie feels compelled to look at his aged friends, but he can't tear his eyes away from Eddie, who is now standing on the stage, getting his diploma in medicine. His Eddie is going to become a doctor and Richie couldn't be prouder. He can feel Stan removing his hand from his shoulder and he lets out a shaky breath he had unconsciously been holding in for God knows how long. He can't really believe how far he and Eddie had gotten together, even if their friends had guessed that they would have a messy break up after a year, but here they were. Six years they had been together, through hell and high water, against all odds. Maybe they had found true love in each other and maybe they were going to be together for all eternity. Richie certainly hoped so. It was something he had only begun thinking about lately, after his parents had died. Would they still be together when they were 30? Or 50? Would they die together of old age? Richie found himself hoping for it, which somewhat surprised him. Before he had fell head first in love with Eddie he had thought he would die young, maybe drugs, maybe alcohol or some freak accident. That's how he had seen his future. But after the first time he had told Eddie he loved him, he had seen his future in a very different light. Now he saw himself dancing with Eddie, in their pyjamas as always, to their favorite songs in their shared home when they were both 60 and gray. And he knew he would love Eddie just as much as he had when they were 19. Because if there was one thing he knew to be completely true, it was the fact that Eddie had been the best thing to ever happen to him. That much he knew to be true.

When Eddie reached them, Richie grabbed him and spun him around, holding him tight. They kissed and their friends pretended to be disgusted, but secretly they were all very happy for those two idiots. Eddie let go of Richie and went to hug his other friends, the old losers club among them. Richie thought back to the time in his life when he didn't even know how much Eddie loved him and how he would've never guessed it would be that small asthmatic who he was going to spend his life with. He never knew it was him who had been waiting for him, loving him in secret. They had been nothing but kids when they fell in love, not even really knowing what it was.  _ It's you,  _ he thought,  _ it's always been you. _ Now he knew it was meant to be.  _ They _  were meant to be.

Out of the corner of his eye Richie saw Stan approaching him. They were standing a little further away from the others and when Richie saw the serious look on the face of his oldest friend, he knew exactly what he was going to ask. To his surprise, Stan stayed quiet, and the question was left hanging in the air between them. Moments passed between them in silence until Richie turned to look at Stan and he saw the question in his eyes as if they were having a telepathic conversation. 

"When are you gonna ask him?", Stan said finally, and they both turned to look at Eddie who was laughing at something funny Ben had just said. Richie sighed, not sure what he was supposed to say. So he stayed silent, but Stan was having none of it. "I know he's expecting it", he continued and Richie turned to face him. He pulled out a small red box from his jacket and gave it to Stan who didn't need to open it to know exactly what was inside of it. 

"I've had that for almost two years now", he said and turned to look at Eddie again. Stan stayed quiet for a while longer, thinking about Richie's words. He knew Richie wasn't good at this kind of stuff, they all knew how hard it had been for him to ask Eddie to prom, let alone something far more serious than that. But he also knew it wasn't a question of whether Eddie would say yes or no, or whether or not Richie was ready for that kind of commitment. Stan knew the answer to both of those questions and so did Richie. 

"So what's holding you back?", Stan asked, even though he was fairly certain he already knew the answer. 

"It'll change everything, that's what's holding me back". Stan glanced at Richie, who was still looking at Eddie. He elbowed him lightly and laughed. Richie looked at him, his eyes wondering what the absolute fuck was going on. 

"You're already acting like a married couple. It'll change stuff for sure, but I know you both want it", he said and smiled reassuringly. Stan had known Richie his entire life, and he had to admit, that he would've never guessed that Richie would end up where he was right now. He had changed much, but Stan could still see the ten year old boy excited over new curse words he had learned and wanted to teach them to Stan as well. He could still see the fifteen year old teen, smoking and drinking himself to an early grave. Yet there he was. Wondering if he should ask the love of his life to get married. 

"How do you know he wants it?", Richie asked, and Stan sighed. Clearly it wasn't obvious to Richie, but the rest of them knew that Eddie wanted to get married. 

"Because we talk about it almost every week on the phone", Stan said and smacked the back of Richie's head. 

"What? Wait... so that's why he leaves the room every time you call!", Richie exclaimed and Stan had to shush him. "So what did he say about me?", Richie said and Stan smacked him again. 

"You're acting like we're kids on a schoolyard discussing who likes who. Just do it", he said finally when the other's started walking towards them. Eddie basically ran to Richie's arms and Stan could see pure love and admiration in Richie's eyes. If soulmates were real, those two were certainly that.

 


	8. Chapter 8

"Oh come on that's not fair", Eddie said, hearing Richie laugh on the other end of the phone like a maniac. 

_"I won't tell you, you'll just have to wait and see"_ , Richie said and Eddie could almost hear the smirk in his voice.  

"I wasn't talking about the surprise, but the other thing", Eddie said, laughing at his idiot boyfriend.

_"That was just to get you to come home as soon as possible"_ , Richie said and chuckled lightly at his own geniusness before continuing, _"otherwise you won't get any" ._

Eddie sighed and rubbed his fingers against the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes for a second. "Richie we both know that won't work, mostly because you're too weak". 

"It'll work this time, just come home, okay? Or I'll start without you", he said and Eddie looked around quickly to see if anyone heard Richie. He laughed then and heard Richie laughing as well on the other end of the phone.

"Wait for me to come home, Richie", Eddie whispered, smiling because he could only imagine the smirk on Richie's face. He hung up and started walking down the street, groups of people passing all around him.

He was smiling, thinking of his boyfriend who had a surprise waiting for him, even though Richie knew Eddie didn't like surprises.  _But you'll love this one,_ Richie had said and Eddie had a feeling in his stomach that he was right. It was a funny feeling, almost foreign but somehow familiar. It accompanied Eddie as he walked down the busy street, passing by shop windows and bakeries. It took him a while to recognize it, but after a while he realized what the oddly familiar feeling had been. It was as though Eddie was falling in love with Richie all over again, yes that must've been what it was. He stopped to look at a window. The window belonged to a store Richie loved going to, because they sold all this old vintage stuff that he loved. Couple weeks prior Eddie remembered Richie telling him about these boots that were on display on the window that he wanted to buy but didn't have the money. So Eddie stopped to see if those boots were still there, so he might perhaps buy them for Richie for his upcoming birthday. However the boots weren't there and he carried on. Maybe if he hadn't stopped by the window it wouldn't have happened.

Fond memories flooded his mind as Eddie passed by his favorite coffee shop just as it was opening and decided to get Richie his favorite coffee. They hadn't been there in a while, but as if no time had passed at all, Eddie was greeted warmly by the familiar staff. He exchanged news as the girl behind the counter made his order. He told of his graduation, how he was excited to start working. He even told of Richie's surprise, and he and the girl gushed about it for a minute until she turned to take orders from other customers. So Eddie waited a while for his order, then took it and left. Their drinks were packed neatly in a bag with the logo of the shop printed on it, and it made Eddie smile, thinking back to all of those times he and Richie had went there. Eddie felt as though nothing could make him feel unhappy. _Not today_ , he thought. Maybe if he hadn't stopped to get drinks it wouldn't have happened.

Eddie dropped the drinks as someone pushed him rather roughly in passing, and so he stopped to make sure they hadn't leaked. They hadn't and so he picked them up and carried on. Maybe if he hadn't dropped the drinks it wouldn't have happened. 

The street was busy that morning. Eddie didn't know it, but it was because of a concert held at a nearby park. Because of it, the streets were packed with people coming from the concert and it was getting increasingly hard for Eddie to navigate the streets. Maybe if there had been fewer people it wouldn't have happened. 

Eddie took his phone from his pocket to see what time it was and he saw a message from Bill. He stopped to read the message before he continued on his way. Maybe if he hadn't stopped to read the message it wouldn't have happened. 

It was 10:30 and Eddie decided to hurry, because he couldn't wait any longer for Richie's surprise, even if he had a pretty good guess of what it was. Eddie's guess was wrong, but he would never find out. He decided to take another route home, a faster one. But Eddie didn't know that because of the concert held nearby, a road was blocked and a car had to take another route to its destination as well. If Eddie hadn't strayed from his original route, maybe it wouldn't have happened. 

Maybe if even one of those details had been different, it wouldn't have. If Eddie hadn't stopped by the window, he would've passed the coffee shop earlier and it would've been closed and he wouldn't be so late and he wouldn't stop to check the time and he wouldn't see Bill's text and he wouldn't decide to take a faster route home.

Or if he hadn't decided to order coffee he wouldn't have needed to stop to pick them up as the stranger pushed him as he passed. And then he would've gotten to the crossroad earlier. 

And the concert was supposed to be held the next day, but because the lead singer had gotten ill it had to be held a day early, so he could meet with his doctor who was leaving town. Maybe if the concert was held on a different day there wouldn't have been so many people and one of the roads wouldn't be blocked and the car wouldn't take another route and Eddie would cross the street.

But the details weren't different. And so as Eddie decided to take the faster route home, he crossed the street. But because there were so many people on the road he couldn't see properly, and he didn't see the car. 

And 

just

like

that.

Richie dropped his coffee. He was spooked by the damn cat who always jumped on their fire escape. He knew the cat lived across the street because he could always smell cat food there, but still it had taken Richie as its personal victim. Richie was sure it loved to spook him and even in that moment he could swear he saw it smiling. But before he could do anything else, the cat jumped off and landed on the street, running away. Soon Richie heard as well what had scared the cat: there were sirens in the distance. Richie glanced at the clock and saw that it was almost 11:00. He put the coffee mug down and took off his stained shirt, looking for his phone in the process. He put on a white t-shirt and saw that Bill had sent a message. He rolled his eyes as he read it, apparently he and Audra had gotten a cat. Richie preferred dogs and said so to Bill as well, chuckling lightly and went to see if there was any coffee left. There wasn't and so Richie sighed and went back to the living room. He had to tread lightly, because certain someone had once again left all of his medical books on the floor. He turned on the TV, wondering what was taking Eddie so long, but then he heard his phone ring and went to look for it again. 

"Hello?"

"Richard Tozier, I am calling from St Mary's hospital-"

But he didn't hear the rest. He dropped the remote he had been holding and rushed to the door, blood pounding in his ears, heart beating fast. He could barely take two steps without tripping on his feet and he knew he should stop to breathe, but he couldn't. He rushed down the stairs, elevators were too slow. He knocked over some people as he ran, not turning to apologise and he could hear them yelling at him, but he couldn't stop running. He ran through the outdoor, and waved a cab. 

He could see nothing. It was as if his vision was blackening from the edges and for a moment he was sure he would pass out. He heard the driver ask for a destination and Richie could only just manage to blurt out 'St Mary's hospital'. They say when you're dying your whole life passes in front of you, and in that moment Richie believed it with every fiber in his body. Only he wasn't dying, not really even if it felt as though he was. But he still saw images flash in front of his eyes. He saw him and Eddie holding hands under the school table. Lying in the grass outside Eddie's house. Leaning on the bathroom wall, kissing. He saw him and Eddie slow dancing at their prom. Clutching each other on Richie's bed. Holding hands at their graduation. Kissing on the backseat of his car. Eating pizza in their new apartment. He saw how he had once accidentally torched the wall in their kitchen and how Eddie had kicked a ball through one of their windows. He saw them throwing snow balls in the snow, kissing red noses and flushed cheeks. He could see himself pushing Eddie in the cart in IKEA, he remembered how Eddie had yelled. He could see them sharing lazy morning kisses, making out against the kitchen counter. He saw himself, holding back tears at Eddie's graduation, he could see Eddie dancing wildly at his promotion party at the radio station.  

He rushed out the door as soon as the cab pulled over, throwing a fifty at him and running off through the glass doors and into the pale blue and white hallways. He saw the flash of panic in the receptionist's eyes as he saw a very bewildered Richie running towards the desk. Richie could hear himself as if he was standing miles away in the distance. The nurse told him where to go and Richie rushed to the elevators. He had to stop then, to breathe, as he waited for the elevator to come down. He told himself to calm down, even if he knew it was a fool's errand. Nothing could calm him down now. He basically jumped as the doors opened and pushed the button 3. He leaned on the back wall, glad that he was alone so he could try to make some sense from the millions of thoughts going through his head. 

The doors opened and Richie started running again, trying not to push aside too many patients and doctors. But he stopped dead in his tracks when he saw what was behind the window right in front of him. He could feel his heart skipping a beat and the pounding in his ears getting stronger. Eddie was lying on the white bed, his face bloodied up so bad it was almost impossible to tell who it was, but Richie knew. He had tubes all over him and Richie could count at least 5 different doctors rushing around the room, pushing Eddie's chest, yelling something he couldn't hear or understand even if he could hear it. Soon they had the machine which's name Richie didn't know, but he could faintly remember Eddie telling him about it one time or another. The monitors in the room were beeping so loudly Richie thought he might turn deaf with the sound of it. Arrows and lines were appearing and disappearing on the screens and the doctors started rushing faster. They all had blood on their scrubs,  _Eddie's blood,_ and Richie could feel himself fainting. Only he didn't faint, he was only dragged away from the window by a nurse who had seen him running and screaming in the lobby. She sat him down and gave him a mug, but Richie didn't drink whatever it was in that mug. He could only focus on breathing in, out, in, out...

_In_

He saw Eddie smiling across the table, trying to smack Richie for the joke he had made

_Out_

He could feel Eddie's arms around him as he was sitting on the windowsill, smoking.  _I will push you down, don't tempt me_

_In_

He saw Eddie running towards the water, screaming as the cold water splattered on his pale legs. Richie heard himself laugh, taking pictures with Eddie's camera 

_Out_

He felt Eddie's lips on his neck, biting him softly at first, then roughly, with passion. He could feel his hands in his hair, on his waist, running along his thighs. 

_In_

And with one last shaky breath Richie turned to look at the figure walking slowly in the hallway. At first he saw Eddie, smiling as he walked, wearing Richie's old football sweater that was still somehow too big for him and Richie felt a smile tugging at his lips as well, glad to see his Eds so healthy and not covered in blood. But then the figure changed and Richie stood up, taking a couple hazy steps to its direction. It turned out to be a doctor, covered in blood and Richie felt hope in his chest, but it faded away as he saw the grim expression on the doctor's face. Richie could hear him speaking, but he didn't need to hear what he was saying to know what had happened. He dropped the mug he had been holding, its contents splattering all over the spotless floor.

He sank to his knees, and he felt as though the world came crashing down around him as well. He didn't feel pain as his knees hit the cold ground, he felt absolutely nothing. The nothingness surrounded him, wrapping itself in him, filling his very being with its nothingness. Nothing. There was nothing. Nothing, nowhere. 

Then he screamed. He wailed, he cried and he wailed. So loudly the doctor tried to drag him away, but he couldn't move a bone in his body, not even if his whole life depended on it.  _Life, what life?_ At first he had been wrapped in nothingness, and as soon as the pain hit him, he missed it immensely.  _If this is what love is, then I don't want it._ The pain came with the realization of what had happened mere minutes ago.  _He was gone._ The pain felt like a suckerpunch right in his throat. Suddenly he couldn't breathe. Air didn't enter him, and it didn't leave him. Even his screaming had faded into nothing. He could feel something wet on his cheeks, and it was a weird moment when he realized they were tears. He could feel the doctors arms around him, and when he raised his arms to wipe away the tears, he could see blood. And he had never seen anything so  _red._ He started at his bloody hands, and took a shaky breath that felt like the first one he had had in years. As if all these years he had been drowning and only now he rose from the bottom of the sea and broke the surface of the water, gasping for air. 

_He is gone_. The thought passed through him again, Richie could feel it in his very soul.  _I love you,_ he tried to say, to push the words out but they couldn't pass his lips.  _Know that I loved you_ , he tried again. He had to let Eddie know, somehow he had to know how he had loved him, how it had not been enough. He screamed then, as loud as he could. He wanted Eddie to hear him, so he could see how much pain he had caused when he had left him and he would turn around and come back to him. 

_I love you_

_I loved you_

_I lost you_

_"Come back to me", he whispered, "or take me with you"_


	9. Epilogue

The woman sat down right next to him. Richie could smell her expensive perfume even though her breath reeked of alcohol and he glanced around the bar. All other chairs near the bar were empty and she still chose to sit next to him. He chuckled, spinning the beer bottle in front of him, still not looking at the woman. She ordered something, but Richie was too deep in his own thoughts to make out exactly what she was saying. He drank the rest of his drink, almost standing up when he heard the woman talk to him directly. 

"I'm sorry?", he said, turning to look at her this time. She was pretty. She had short, dark hair, beautiful blue eyes and a beautifully balanced makeup. Yet Richie's face was blank as he looked at her, and perhaps she noticed his disinterest, perhaps she didn't or maybe she just didn't care. 

"I asked, why are you here all alone?", she had a sweet voice, but it somehow made Richie feel sick in his stomach. He tilted his head, wondering what version of the truth he should tell her. 

"I had company earlier", he said, voice sounding maybe far too empty. He looked down before continuing, "now I'm all alone". The woman giggled and Richie glanced at her again, raising his eyebrows. He could feel her hand on his, and the desire to roll his eyes was almost too strong to resist. He pulled his hand away from hers and ran it through his messy, uncombed hair. She said something again, but Richie didn't hear her. A ghost of a smile appeared on his lips, and he raised his left hand for her to see.

"Sorry, spoken for", he said and the woman giggled again, maybe too drunk for her own good. 

"All the best ones seem to be", she said quietly, standing up and taking her drink with her, "well, whoever she is, she must be very lucky."

"You know", Richie said, turning the ring on his ringer, still not looking at the woman next to him, "I keep telling him that". Then he stood up, paid his bill and left. He could feel the woman's stare on his back as he stepped into the cold night air. It took some effort to stay upright, and Richie had to lean on the wall for a while before he could gather the strength to keep walking. He felt a headache throbbing inside his head, his vision blurring momentarily. As he walked, making his way towards the apartment, he suddenly felt a hand touch his shoulder and he stopped dead in his tracks. So it was starting again. The first time it had happened, Richie had thought he had gone mad. The next time he was only happy. After that it got more painful every time, seeing something he wished was real, but knew in his soul it wasn't. 

He took a deep breath before he turned around to see Eddie's face, smiling up at him. He didn't speak, he never did, but sometimes Richie found himself wishing he did. "Leave me alone", he slurred, his speech not making any sense. Some people passing him shot some weird looks at him, but Richie didn't care. He had stopped caring a while ago. But Eddie didn't go away. Richie could almost smell him, standing so close he could almost feel his warm breath on his cold skin. But he knew it wasn't real. No matter how much he wished it was. So he did what he always did, started pinching his left arm. He closed his eyes as if scared of what he might see.  

And when he opened his eyes again, he was gone.  _I wish you would just leave,_ he thought. The pain was almost too much for him to bear, driving every last bit of his sanity away, but Richie only sighed, and moved on. He started on his way again, and somehow he must've found his way back because when he woke up, he wasn't lying on the street as he had thought he probably would before he passed out. He only glanced around the room, making sure he was alone, and closed his eyes, drifting off to sleep again. He hadn't slept properly in days, so it was no wonder. 

"Is he awake?"

Audra heard Bill walking down the stairs, buttoning his shirt. His hair was still messy and it didn't help when he tried to flatten it with his fingers. Audra only shook her head and turned again to look at the man lying on their couch, smelling the alcohol all the way across the room. Soon Bill was at her side and they watched him together, unspoken words passing between them. What ever happened to bring someone to such a state? Audra knew of course what had happened, but it had been months and he was getting no better. Still he wandered in their apartment at ungodly hours, reeking of alcohol poisoning, and falling down where he stood. He made such noises that he woke Bill and Audra up every time and they always carried him on the couch, making sure he was okay before going back to bed. 

"He woke up for a second, but then nodded off again", she said, feeling Bill's comforting arms around her. "You know, he can't stay here forever", she said, bringing up the delicate subject she had dreaded. She knew the man was Bill's childhood friend and that he was going through something no one should ever have to go through, but they both knew he wasn't getting any better. He couldn't keep running away from things forever. 

"I know", Bill said, letting go of Audra. He walked to Richie, pulling the blanket back on him, pushing some stray hairs away from his face. Bill saw the hollows of Richie's cheeks, the darkness under his eyes and the bruises along his arms. He knew he had to speak to him, he knew none of them could keep going on like this, Richie most of all. Bill knew he had to face what had happened sooner or later. 

"He talks of him sometimes", Bill says suddenly, not turning to look at Audra. "In his sleep. He would never utter a word of him if he was awake". Audra kept quiet, letting Bill finish what he had started, crossing her arms across her chest. 

"I think he sees him, too. I know little of what that's like", he continues quietly. She knows who he means, but she can't make herself say it out loud.  _Little Georgie._ Bill looks at her then, pain so vivid in his eyes it startles her. A silent conversation passes between them again. They agree that Bill stays home, talks some sense into Richie while Audra goes to work. And so she leaves, grabbing her bag by the door and walks into the cool autumn air. 

And Bill stayed. He made breakfast and two cups of coffee in case Richie decided to wake up. He didn't. Bill glanced at the clock, it was 14:30. Richie had been sleeping for almost 12 hours straight. Bill could hear him tossing and turning as he made lunch and prayed that Richie wouldn't start speaking in his sleep again. Bill hated those times. It was painful enough as it was, losing one of your dearest friends, but seeing Richie suffer was the real pain. It was almost November. It had been nearly half a year since Eddie died. Bill could always remember the phone call from Richie, first only crying and then incoherent speaking and blabbering. It had took him only a second to realise something had happened. Richie never cried, let alone called someone while crying. After a while Bill heard Richie whisper  _'he's gone'_ and he had almost fallen over. Audra thought he had gotten a stroke or something, and he did feel like he had. He had rushed to the hospital, making five phone calls on his way there. And they all came, one by one. Bill was first since he was closest, Stan came later the same day, Mike came in the morning, Beverly and Ben a little later. They had sat around Bill's dinner table, where he was sitting now, and drank coffee. They hadn't spoken at first, but then they all started talking about him, even Richie had. Bill figured the pain hadn't really hit him yet, that he wasn't completely aware of what had happened. That he was gone. 

Bill was leaning against the doorframe, looking at Richie. He was awake now and Bill glanced at the clock. It was 15:43 and he counted that Richie had been asleep for little over 13 hours. He sipped his coffee, watching as Richie rose up from the couch. Bill could tell that the sleep had done miracles for Richie, and he was glad, because he wasn't in the mood for a big fight.

He turned to watch as Richie made his way towards the kitchen, slamming cabinet doors as he searched for food. And when he finally sat down, Bill walked over to the table and sat down in front of him. He let Richie eat in peace, but he knew that Richie could tell that something was up. 

"So are you gonna talk first? Or should I?", Richie said, pushing the empty plate further away. Bill did the same with his empty coffee mug and took a deep breath, Richie braced himself for whatever was coming. 

"You need to go home", Bill said finally, looking Richie straight into his eyes, "you need to face it sooner or later". 

"Face what?", Richie asked, daring Bill to utter the words out loud. Bill swallowed loudly, he had never been so good with speaking. At least he had gotten over his stutter, Richie was sure it would be impossible to argue with him if he stuttered. It had been hard enough when they were kids, you could barely make out a word of what he was saying. 

"You need to face the fact that he's dead"

Richie leaned back on his chair and Bill saw pain flash in his eyes. He knew Richie hated confrontation, but this was for his own good. Richie was probably going to say something, but now that Bill had started, he wasn't going to stop quite yet.

"You're not the only one who lost someone that day you know", he said, raising his tone. "We all lost someone. He was my friend too."

Before they even noticed, they were both standing up, glaring at each other across the wooden table. 

"He was hell of a lot more than a friend to me!", Richie yelled. 

"Yet you only see your pain! We  _all_ loved him, but you're acting like you were the only one! It hasn't been easy for  _any_ of us and you weren't there for us for a minute! And I have been there for you, Rich. I let you sleep on my couch because you're too scared to go home and I let you drink yourself near death and God knows what else! But you still act like you were the only one who knew him", Bill said and noticed he had started crying only when he felt the tears running down his cheeks. His whole face was red as a fire hydrant and he was breathing heavily. Richie only looked at him silently, not knowing what to say. He knew Bill was right. Eddie had been a friend to all of them and he knew he had been acting selfishly. 

"What do you know of losing someone like this?", Richie said and regretted his words as soon as they left his mouth. He started apologizing immediately, but he could see the rage in Bill's eyes and he knew it was no use. He had crossed a line and for once in his life he knew it too.

"How dare you?", Bill said, barely more than a whisper, but Richie could see that more was coming. "Did you somehow hit you head and forget that I had a brother?!", he said, screaming now, spit flying from his mouth. Bill could see it in Richie's eyes that he had not forgotten for a second and that he knew he had gone too far, but there was no stopping him now. "You went to his funeral", Bill said, venom filling his words. And Richie remembered it like yesterday. He remembered reading about it in the newspapers, he remembered how delusional Bill had been, seeing and hearing Georgie everywhere. Much like Richie was now with Eddie. If anyone knew what Richie was going through, it was Bill. So Richie walked around the table, wrapping Bill in his arms. They were both crying now, neither entirely sure why, but they were there for each other then. Richie hadn't even realized how much he needed that hug until he felt Bill's arms around him. He thought that Bill needed it too. Neither of them had no idea how long they stood there, in the middle of Bill's kitchen, hugging each other. 

"I can come with you, if you want", Bill whispered finally and Richie nodded. He knew facing his empty apartment was going be too much for him to handle alone. He knew he needed a friend and he was grateful that Bill was there for him.  _It'll get better with time._

****

He let out a shaky breath, closing the door behind him. Bill had said that he would wait in the hallway, but Richie almost wished that he didn't have to face the emptiness of his apartment alone.  _You're not alone_ , Richie thought and glanced back at the closed door, knowing that Bill was just there. He closed his eyes for a second, taking deep breaths and trying to calm himself. He opened his eyes and took a few steps, walking to the living room. There was a picture of him and Eddie on his 21st birthday. Eddie was smiling as Richie kissed his cheek, and Richie looked at it closer, picking it up from the table. He could almost count the freckles on Eddie's cheeks, and he traced his fingers along the smile lines on his face. He found it hard to put the picture down, but he did anyway and continued his slow pace around the room. There was dust everywhere and Richie smiled, knowing how pissed Eddie would be if he ever saw so much dirt in their home. 

Richie gathered the medical books from where they were scattered all over the floor and he could almost see Eddie sitting there, surrounded by books and papers, chewing the end of his pen. He placed the books on a neat pile just how he knew Eddie would do and he picked up the one on the top.  _The Secrets of Human Anatomy_ it read and Richie traced his fingers along the cover. He smiled as he saw a small coffee stain there, remembering how pissed Eddie had been when Richie had messed up his book.  _It's just coffee!_ Richie could almost hear himself speaking. He could still smell the coffee, even if the stain was almost two years old now. He put the book down and walked over to the window, remembering how he had once convinced Eddie to smoke with him. The poor boy had been sure he was choking and had vowed never to smoke again. Richie had only laughed and blown some more smoke to his face.  

He walked over to their bookshelf, not that he had any books there. All of them were Eddie's, mostly school books and some novels, most of them gifts from Bill. Richie smiled as he spotted the birdbook Stan had given Eddie for his 22nd birthday, partly as a joke. He recognized most of the books there, probably because he had spent countless hours quizzing Eddie, but as he traced his fingers across the backs of the books, he came across one he didn't recognize. He took it out and walked over to the couch to read it. Only it wasn't a book. It was a photo album. 

**_happy seven year anniversary Richie!_ **

Richie could feel a tear sliding down his cheek as he touched the letters. He could almost feel Eddie through them, his breath hitching so much he was sure Bill could hear him all the way to the hallway. Richie was surprised he hadn't seen the album before, and it hurt him to think that Eddie was going to give it to him on their anniversary. It was next month, so Richie figured the album would be nearly empty, but he was in for yet another surprise as he turned the page. 

There were pictures of them as kids, probably ten or so, and they were smiling, giggling or making funny faces. Richie knew Stan had taken most of the pictures since he almost always had a camera with him. In some pictures they were with the rest of the losers, other times it was just the two of them. As he turned the pages, he could see that they were getting older as well. His heart stung every time he saw Eddie smiling and laughing, but he couldn't help but smile as he turned the pages. There was one picture of them eating ice cream, and Richie laughed as he remembered what happened after Stan had taken the candid photo of them. Richie had smeared his ice cream all over Eddie's face and offered to lick it off and Eddie had been disgusted beyond measure. He had returned the favor by throwing his ice cream on Richie's face and the other losers had been laughing so much their stomachs hurt. There were couple pictures of them at the arcade, at the Fall Festival with the other losers and one where they were posing in their halloween costumes in front of the Neibolt house. Eddie was dressed as a goblin and Richie as Superman. 

Soon Richie saw a picture of the group on their first day in high school and then there was their prom picture from senior year. Richie laughed at how young they looked, even if they hadn't changed much. Only grown older. There were some more group pictures and a couple were Richie was alone and he knew Eddie had taken those pictures. Richie guessed it had been right before Eddie went to college when Stan and Beverly had gotten him a camera as a christmas present. Eddie had been overly excited and taken hundreds of photos of Richie. There were even couple were Richie was asleep, and next to those Eddie had drawn couple of little hearts. On the next page there was the picture they had taken on their first anniversary. It had been Richie's idea and Stan had helped him do it. He had wanted to recreate their first kiss under the lamppost on the football field. Richie saw tears dropping on the pages and pictures and he had to close the album so he could breathe for a moment. It wasn't easy seeing all those pictures, remembering all those times. 

Richie took a few shaky breaths and decided to stand up, walk around a little. The pictures were the best thing for Richie in that moment, though. The hurt from losing Eddie had faded into a silent ache, always present, and Richie had tried to get rid of it by trying to forget Eddie. He had tried to erase him completely, his voice, his smile, his eyes, his laugh. But he knew now that it had only made things worse. He couldn't forget Eddie and he sure as hell couldn't erase him from his mind and his life. The pictures reminded him of that. Of the love he had once felt. And no matter how hard he had tried, he could still remember Eddie's voice, whispering through the phone.

_Wait for me to come home._

Richie wiped away his tears, a faint smile brushing across his lips. He remembered the fresh pain still. He would never forget it, the  _ache_ he felt. How he had wished Eddie would live. How he would turn 26, become a doctor, celebrate their anniversary and give his photo album to Richie. How he would smile again, laugh again, talk again. All those things were gone now, existing only in Richie's memory. And Richie was sure he would never forget him. Not so long as he was still alive and maybe even in death he would still remember the person he had loved most. He would always remember how Eddie had kissed him, how he had loved him. 

_But I won't wait for you anymore. You're not coming home._

He sat back on the couch, opening the album once more. He smiled as he saw the newer pictures, where they were moving away, or sitting in their apartment. There were even a few pictures from their trip to IKEA. The christmas pictures made Richie laugh because he remembered the sad excuse for a christmas tree he had brought home and how Eddie had laughed at it. But it had been their first christmas in their new home so they had decorated the tree and Richie remembered them baking cookies as well.

There were pictures of that time they had gone to the beach, Eddie screaming as he ran into the icy water. They had taken food and everything with them, Eddie ranting about pneumonia while Richie wrapped him in a towel. There were pictures of them at Eddie's graduation and at Richie's promotion parties. Richie noticed him absently fiddling with the ring on his left hand. He had meant to ask Eddie to marry him, but instead he had gotten a call from the hospital saying Eddie had been hit by a car. He had worn the ring ever since, even if Bill had tried to convince him not to. He looked at it now and took it off. He decided that it wouldn't help him recover, seeing what could've been. So instead he put the ring on the necklace he always wore. There it could hang over his heart.  _It always belonged to you anyway._

His breath hitched as he turned the page.

_Dear Richie,_

_I know you won't be able to read this, because you're always so kind as to remind me that I have the 'ugliest handwriting to ever grace the earth' but I'll write this to you anyway. If nothing comes out of it, call Ben he was always good at reading my 'chicken scratch' as you would put it._

_I wish I could tell you a thousand things, but I suppose we'll have an eternity to tell each other all those things._ _I do hope I'll get to grow old with you, Trashmouth Tozier, and then we can look at these pictures, where we're young and in love. These pictures will never get old, so we'll always be like frozen in time. I tried to pick our best memories so we could always see how we loved each other. And I do love you, I can't remember a time in my life when I didn't. So I hope you'll love looking at these as much as I did. And Stan too, he helped me, and yes he saw the pictures of you in the pink floral robe._

_Love,_

_Your Eds._

 


End file.
